


you can avoid the fire but you'll never be free

by wafflesofdoom



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-05
Updated: 2017-02-16
Packaged: 2018-09-22 04:54:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 37,029
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9584417
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wafflesofdoom/pseuds/wafflesofdoom
Summary: fire had always been robert's worst nightmare. from the day he watched his own mother die in a fire, it had scared him - and then he gets caught up in an explosion at the b&b, and all the things robert has spent the last sixteen years of his life avoiding come back to ruin him.





	1. i. the explosion

**Author's Note:**

> there are descriptions of burn injuries throughout this chapter. they're somewhat graphic, so fair warning!

Aaron could smell the fire before he saw it, the acrid smell of burn drifting through the village as he parked his car at the house, stepping out into the early summer sunshine. He could hearing shouting and screaming from further down the village, and he scrambled out of his car, worried.

Whatever had happened, it was bad. Aaron jogged toward the source of the noise, finding half the village gathered outside a burning B&B. Looking around frantically, Aaron noticed Diane and Vic on their knees next to a body Aaron didn’t recognise.

And then he saw the watch, the smart silver bracelet almost matching the wedding ring on the body’s left finger. 

A wedding ring Aaron knew all too well. 

“ _Robert_!” Aaron couldn’t hide the desperation in his voice as he sprinted down the main street, his heart in his mouth as he put two and two together and realised that Robert had been caught up in whatever had happened.

“Aaron, he was inside.” Victoria was wild-eyed as she stood up, tears welling in her eyes. “He was inside when it went up. There was an explosion, I don’t know what happened, I - he’s hurt, Aaron.”

Aaron ignored her, dropping to his knees next to his husband, trying to assess the damage. He felt his stomach turn as he noticed Robert’s left arm, his leather jacket melted into the skin, the black material stark against the angry red burns on his shoulder, down his forearm.

“Robert, open your eyes for me - please.” Aaron pleaded, brushing Robert’s hair off his forehead, his fingers instantly covered in blood, the deep red a stomach churning contrast to Robert’s paler than usual skin.

“A-aron?”

Aaron could have cried with relief as Robert spoke, his voice hoarse, and barely more than a whisper. “Yeah, it’s me.” 

“Hurts.” Robert mumbled, his eyes screwed shut. 

“I know.” Aaron stroked a hand through his hair, trying to ignore how his hand was shaking. “What did you manage to do to yourself, eh?” 

“S’not my fault.”

“It’s always your fault.” Aaron tried to joke, his hand gentle against his forehead. He was too scared to do anything more than have a hand on Robert’s forehead, the burns down his left size, the wheezing breathes he was taking, the wince on his face every time he moved, every time he took a breath, fairly indicative of how much pain he was in.

“How bad is it?” Robert asked, trying to open his eyes. His eyes were filled with tears, Aaron’s heart breaking as he looked at Robert’s expression. “My leg, Aaron.”

Aaron glanced over his shoulder, looking at Robert’s left leg. It was in the same state as his shoulder, the rough denim material of his jeans melted into the skin of his upper thigh. “Not a scratch.”

“Don’t lie to me.” Robert managed to say, screwing his eyes shut again, his breathing shaky.

“It’s not good.” Aaron admitted, willing the ambulance to arrive. How long did it take to get from Hotten anyway?

“Let me see.” 

“No.” Aaron shook his head, shifting so he was completing blocking Robert’s view of his lower half. “Don’t look, okay?”

“A-aaron.” Robert groaned, a soft cry escaping his lips as he tried to plead with Aaron. 

He ran his fingers through Robert’s sweat matted hair, flashing him a grin. “Just look at me, eh? We all know it’s one of your favourite pastimes.”

Robert spluttered out something that looked as though it was supposed to be a laugh. “You’re a git.” 

“I know.” Aaron grinned, his hand stilling in Robert’s hair, his other hand gently caressing his husbands cheek, down his neck. He could feel Robert relax as much as he could, given the circumstances, and it spurred Aaron on. “You love me though.”

“I must be dying.” Robert muttered, tensing again as another wave of pain hit him. 

Aaron’s eyes widened. “What?”  


Robert opened his eyes again, trying to stretch his mouth into a cheeky grin, the action taking a lot of effort. “You, being so soft.” He dropped his voice to a stage whisper. “Where _anyone_ could see ya.”

Aaron had to laugh. “Oi! You might be hurt, but thats not going to stop me from smacking ya one.”

Robert couldn’t reply, his face twisting in pain, tears spilling from his eyes. “Hurts s-so much.” 

“I’m sorry, I know it does.” Aaron tried to sniff back his own tears, leaning in close to Robert. “Just focus on me, eh?”

“C-can’t.”

“What about that holiday we were planning?” Aaron said, trying to think of some way to distract Robert. “You’ve nearly got me convinced on a week in Greece.”

“Private villa?”

“Just you and me, plenty of sun and beer. Sound good to you?” Aaron said. “No Liv, no manky dog.”

“You love the dog.” Robert said through his tears, sobbing freely now. “I c-can’t-“

“Hey, hey. You’re going to be alright, eh? Don’t give up on me just yet, Sugden.” Aaron could have cried with relief as he heard an ambulance siren in the distance. “Hear that? Paramedic’s are nearly here. They’ll sort you out.” 

Robert couldn’t reply, his body shaking as he cried. Aaron was terrified as he knelt on the ground next to Robert, absolutely terrified - Robert wasn't the type to ever show weakness and the fact that he was too far gone to care that he was crying his heart out on the ground in the front of a mostly burnt down B&B, half the village watching as Robert fell apart, was worrying.

“It’s going to be okay.” Aaron murmured softly, his grip on Robert tight. “It’s going to be fine, Rob.”

“Can you step back, please?” 

Aaron looked up to see a couple of paramedics swarming around them. Numbly, he nodded, moving to get up.

“No!” Robert said forcefully, coughing furiously as he spoke. “Aaron.”

“Hey, it’s alright. I’m right here, okay? They’ve got to take a look at you though.” Aaron shuffled so that he was kneeling by Robert’s head, giving the paramedic’s room to work. 

The second one of them tried to move Robert, he screamed, he honest to god _screamed_ , the sound absolutely shattering Aaron. “It’s okay, it’s alright.” He said, trying to keep Robert’s focus on him. 

“I’m sorry…” The paramedic looked at Aaron expectantly, waiting for a name. 

“Robert.”

“Robert, my name is Louise. I’m really sorry about this, but I’ve got to get this neck brace on you.” The paramedic said. “Try and take a deep breath for me, alright? Keep looking at Aaron.”

Robert nodded, biting down on his lip as Louise lifted his head slightly again, fitting the neck brace on him properly. 

“You’re doing great, Robert.” Louise reassured, giving Robert a bright smile. “We’re going to have to move you now, and it’s going to hurt, but we’ve got to get you to the hospital. Alright? Count to ten, and it’ll be all over.”

“Okay.” Robert managed to choke out, his eyes screwed shut. Aaron pressed a kiss to Robert’s forehead, moving back as the other paramedic arrived with the stretcher. He moved back, watching as the two paramedics managed to move Robert onto the stretcher, one of them strapping an oxygen mask on him quickly.

“Can I come?” Aaron asked, already following them to the ambulance. “He’s my husband.”

Louise nodded, her and her colleague pushing the stretcher toward one of the waiting ambulances. Aaron hadn’t even noticed who else was hurt, his focus on Robert. “Of course.”

“Vic, call my mum, please. Someone’s got to get Liv from school, and I-“ Aaron tried to take a calming breath, looking at Robert’s absolutely frantic sister. “I’ll ring you when I know anything. Promise.”

He didn’t bother waiting for a response, climbing into the ambulance beside Robert. In the bright light of the ambulance, everything about Robert’s injuries seemed to be worse - his skin angry, and red, the smell of burnt skin and clothing filling the ambulance as the doors shut.

“Has he got any medical conditions?” 

Aaron looked up, confused. “N-no. His lung though, he was shot in the chest a couple of years ago and it affects his lung sometimes.”

Louise nodded. “The oxygen will help with that. Keep talking to him, distract him a bit.”

Aaron didn’t need to be told twice. “If you didn’t want to collect Liv from school, there was less dramatic ways to do it,” He said, leaning over so he could look at Robert, his husband unable to move his head because of the neck brace he was wearing.

Robert gave him a weak smile, trying to give him the middle finger.

“Don’t be a git.” Aaron rolled his eyes, the Louise laughing at them.

“Hows the pain, Robert?” The paramedic asked, lifting Robert’s mask for a second to let him speak.

“Bad.” Robert replied, his eyes squeezed tightly shut. “Very bad.”

“I can’t give you any pain medication just yet, but I’ll make sure you get the good drugs once you’re at the hospital.” Louise reassured, putting the oxygen mask back on Robert. “How long have you been married?” She asked, clearly trying to make conversation and distract Aaron.

“Two years.” Aaron replied. “Best two years of your life, eh Rob?”

Robert squeezed Aaron’s hand in response. 

“We’re nearly there.” Louise said, looking at her watch. “Only a few more minutes, Robert.” 

Aaron felt sick to his stomach as they sat in the ambulance, the drive to Hotten General feeling like it was taking twice as long as normal. They arrived eventually, the paramedics wheeling Robert into A&E with a sense of urgency that did nothing but freak Aaron out even more.

He only caught flashes of what the paramedics were saying as they wheeled Robert into the hospital.

“ _Third degree burns to the upper thigh.”_

_“Second degree burns to upper chest and shoulder.”_

Which type of burn was worse? Aaron couldn’t remember, he couldn’t think, he couldn’t _breathe_.

“Aaron? Can you check Robert in with Amy please?” Louise led him to a nurse standing with a clipboard. “He’s in good hands, I promise.”

Aaron nodded numbly. 

“Hi Aaron.” 

She seemed kind.

“Can I have your husbands name and date of birth?” 

“Uh, Robert Sugden. 22nd April, 1986.” Aaron watched as Amy scribbled the details down on her clipboard. He tried to take a few deep breaths, recognising the panic rising in his chest.

“Any underlying medical conditions we should know about?”

“No.” 

“Thank you.” Amy gave him a kind, genuine smile. “How about you take a seat and I’ll get you a glass of water, eh?”

Aaron let the nurse lead him to an empty plastic seat, taking the water from her as she thrust it at him. 

“I’ll update you as soon as I know anything.” She reassured, leaving Aaron to his own devices.

If only she knew, Aaron snorted to himself. Him being left to his own thoughts was more dangerous than anything else could possibly be there and then. Aaron leaned his head against the cool concrete of the wall behind him, taking a few steadying breaths.

Count to ten.

Eight months of court mandated counselling after his stint in prison, and then six more months of private counselling, and the best he had to help himself there and then was count to fucking ten.

He’d make a joke to Robert about money wasted when he woke up.

Robert would laugh.

Aaron drained the last of the glass of water the nurse had given him, standing up so he could toss it in the bin. He hated hospitals at the best of times, he really did, but it seemed like Hotten’s A&E was ten times worse than usual that afternoon, the noise suffocating.

“Aaron!” 

Aaron looked up to see Adam leading the charge into the building, flanked by Victoria and Diane. “Adam.” He couldn’t help but be relieved, letting his best mate gather him into a tight hug. 

“It’s alright bro.” Adam reassured, smacking a kiss against Aaron’s cheek. “It’s alright. Take a breather, eh? Sit down.”

“I was sitting down.” Aaron sighed. “It freaked me out more.” 

“Have you heard anything?” Victoria asked desperately, clearly worried. 

Aaron shook his head. “They took him away as soon as we got here. You saw it though Vic, he’s really badly burned.”

“Aaron, mate, you can’t stand here and think the worst.” Adam said, guiding him into a chair. “Rob’s a stubborn guy, you think something like this is going to take anything out of him?”

“Exactly, pet.” Diane piped up, settling herself in one of the chairs, her handbag on her lap. She looked worried, her eyes betraying the real fear she felt, her smile half-hearted. “Robert’s a fighter.”

“I’ve rang your mum.” Victoria piped up, looking as though she’d only just remembered. “She’s on her way here now. Paddy is going to collect Liv from school, he said he’ll bring her back to his for some tea. He’ll check in on Titan as well, I’ve given him the spare key to yours.”

Aaron nodded, glad he didn’t need to worry about Liv for a while yet. “Ta.”

“Aaron? Robert’s husband?” 

An unsure voice interrupted their tense conversation.

“Yeah?” Aaron practically jumped out of his chair, his heart in his mouth.

“Robert’s being treated now.” The nurse said. “We’re trying to remove the burnt clothing from his skin, but he’s hysterical, asking for you. We’d normally sedate him, but we haven’t had a chance to look at his lung yet, and he needs to be awake for that.”

“Okay?” 

“His doctor has said you can be in the room, if you’d be willing.” The nurse continued. “It might help calm him down slightly. It’s really quite urgent that we remove the clothing from his arm and leg, theres a risk of infection otherwise.”

Aaron nodded. “Yeah, of course.”

The nurse nodded, leading Aaron down the corridor. “I feel like I should warn you, Aaron - the burns on your husband’s left side are extensive, it’s understandable to be shocked.”

She paused, passing Aaron a plastic apron, still in its packaging. “This is a precaution, in case of infection.” She explained, guiding Aaron to a sink. “Wash your hands, please. There’s gloves on your right.”

“Is he going to be okay?” Aaron asked, scrubbing at his skin. 

“Like I said, the burns are extensive. We’ll know more once the doctors have been able to remove the pieces of clothing.” She gave him a reassuring smile, leading Aaron into another room.

Aaron tried to swallow his terror as he approached Robert, doing his best not to look at the burns decorating most of the left side of his body. “Hey. Heard you’ve been causing hassle.”

Robert looked at him, tears rolling down his cheeks. “Hurts.”

“I know.” Aaron grimaced at the feeling of the plastic gloves he was wearing, his hand against Robert’s forehead. “You’ve got to let the doctor’s work though, eh? They’ll fix you up.”

Robert nodded, screwing his eyes shut. 

“Hey, look at me.” Aaron said softly, guiding Robert’s face toward him, keeping his chin between his fingers to stop Robert from looking at the burns on his arm. He didn’t know how much good it would do, but maybe not seeing them would calm Robert down slightly.

“Fire.” Robert mumbled, looking at Aaron with tearful eyes.

Fire.

Of course.

“S’alright, you got out, didn’t ya?” Aaron said, thinking of the night Robert had told him about his mother, about how she’d died. It wasn’t long after they’d gotten back together, a few weeks before Sarah’s anniversary - Robert hadn’t said much about it, but the few sentences he had managed to string together were fairly indicative of how much his mum’s death still affected him. 

Aaron didn’t want to think about what had been going through Robert’s head when he’d been in that burning B&B. Glancing to his left, Aaron balked as he looked at Robert’s arm. 

The burns were worse than he thought, spreading down his arm, across his upper chest. They’d cut away his clothes, all that was left were the bits of leather and material that had burned into his skin.

“Bad?”

“Nah, you’ll be right as rain in no time, you.” Aaron shook his head. “Stubborn git. Always were.”

Robert let out a quiet sob as the doctor’s tried to remove a particularly large piece of material from his skin. 

“We crashed a car into the quarry and you walked away with just a scratch, remember?” Aaron decided that maybe he should just talk at Robert, natter about anything that came to mind. “Or the time when I slit my hand open on an old floorboard when we were doing up the Mill, and you were just sitting there, catalogue in hand, picking curtains?”

Robert yelped, tears still rolling down his cheeks. “Hate curtains.”

“I do hate the curtains.” Aaron reassured.

“No taste.”

“I don’t have any taste, I married you, didn’t I?” Aaron held onto Robert’s face tightly as he tried to move. “Listen to me for once, will ya? Just look at me.”

“You’re doing really well, Robert.” A nurse reassured. “Keep listening to Aaron.”

“See? You have to do what you’re told.” Aaron flashed a smile at Robert, hoping his husband wouldn’t notice that it didn’t quite meet his eyes. 

“Vic?”

“She’s fine. Her and Diane are outside, and Adam.” Aaron reassured. “You’ve got the calvary waiting, mate. Vic’ll never let you out of her sight after this.”

Robert coughed, the sound harsh in the quiet of the room. 

“Put the oxygen mask back on him.”

Aaron nodded, grabbing the mask from where Robert had clearly pulled it aside. He settled it on Robert’s face, watching as he started to breathe a bit easier. “Should do this more often, Rob. No answering me back, don’t think thats ever happened.”

Robert just closed his eyes, breathing deeply. Aaron watched as tears continued to pour down Robert’s cheeks, his heart aching. He couldn’t imagine how much pain Robert was in, taking a second to glance at the doctors again.

They’d nearly removed all the burnt clothing from his arm and chest, one of the doctors moving to look at Robert’s leg. It didn’t seem as though there was as much to remove on his leg, though the burns were still severe.

“Nearly there.” Aaron said softly, staying close to Robert’s face. 

Robert pinched Aaron’s thigh with his right hand, the gesture weak, but Aaron understood the intent. He couldn’t exactly talk, with the oxygen mask on his face, but he wanted Aaron to know he appreciated his endless chatter.

“Paddy’s seen his chance to steal Titan off us.” Aaron said. “I bet ya any money, we’ll get home and Titan will refuse to come back with us. You know how Paddy spoils that bloody dog, he’s worse than Liv.”

Another pinch to Aaron’s thigh. 

“You love that dog, really.” Aaron looked over at the doctors, the nurse giving him an encouraging smile. “The meeting went really well, by the way. There’s a big payday coming our way, might actually be able to afford a week in that private villa in Greece you’ve been banging on about.”

Robert blinked, giving Aaron a hopeful look for a second before he winced again, his sob muffled by the oxygen mask. 

“You’d be a giant freckle after a week in the sun.” Aaron commented, pushing Robert’s sweaty hair back off his forehead, apologetic as Robert grimaced at the feeling of the plastic glove against his skin. 

“You’re all done Robert.” 

Robert looked relieved as the doctor spoke, Aaron looking at the nurse, who gave a slight nod toward the door."

“I’ll be right outside, okay?” Aaron said softly, Robert’s eyes flying open in panic.

“N-no.” Robert lifted his good hand, trying to pull the oxygen mask off. Aaron held it in place, shaking his head at his anxious husband.

“Hey, hey, calm down. I’m just going to be in the way if I stay here, you know that. I’ll be right outside, and I’ll come back as soon as you’re patched up.” Aaron reassured. “I’m right outside. I promise. They’ve got to take a proper look at ya, Rob.”

He pressed a kiss to Robert’s forehead. “Love you. Okay? I’m right outside.”

Before Robert could protest, Aaron headed for the door, ripping the plastic apron and gloves off, shoving them into the nearest bin. He felt like he was hyperventilating, his head spinning as he tried to process what he’d just seen happen to his husband as he walked down the corridor, numb.

“Aaron? Aaron, love, whats happened?”

Aaron looked at his mum, bleary eyed. “His clothes were burned into his skin.” He mumbled, scratching at his own arms, his skin suddenly feeling too _tight_ , too _itchy_. 

Chas looked shocked for a second before got her protective mum face on, gathering Aaron into a hug. “It’s alright love, he’s going to be alright.”

Aaron couldn't hold back his tears any longer, breaking down in hysterical sobs, Chas holding onto him tightly. “I couldn’t do anything to help,” He sobbed, clinging to Chas’ cardigan.

“You were there, love.” Chas rubbed slow circles across his back, her voice quiet. “That’s what counts. Come on, sit down.”

Aaron felt numb as he slid into one of the chairs in the waiting area, barely noticing Diane, or Vic, or Adam, barely noticing that David was there as well. He couldn’t stop thinking about Robert, he couldn’t get the images of his burnt arm, and leg out of his mind, the broken expression on his husbands face.

_Robert_ had always been the strong one. Aaron didn’t mind that, not anymore, not really. He’d appreciated the constant support from Robert when they’d been friends, when they’d first started going out with each other again, when they’d gotten engaged.

_Robert_ had been a rock for him when the court case had happened, after they’d gotten married. When Aaron had been sentenced to three months in prison, he’d looked up at the gallery and Robert had simply mouthed a “I’m here” at him, and Aaron had been a little less terrified.

_Robert_ had visited him every Saturday for three months, without fail, and when Aaron had been released, Robert was there to collect him, and take him home, and pick up all his pieces after his stint in prison.  
  
_Robert_ had been the one who’d driven him to and from counselling for the first three months, sitting in his car doing paperwork while Aaron did his hourly sessions on a Wednesday evening.

_Robert_ had been the one to suggest continuing counselling for a few more months when the court mandated counselling had finished, Aaron on the road to being better but not quite there yet.

Robert had been the one who’d worked ridiculous hours for Home James, scraping the money together so they could afford to pay for the private sessions, and keep paying the mortgage on the Mill, and keep Liv in new shoes and school trips when Aaron had to take a day off from the scrapyard once a week to drive to a therapist in Manchester, the yard already struggling with Adam cutting back his hours to three days a week once his and Vic’s little one was born, so he could enjoy the first few months of fatherhood properly. 

Robert had never begrudged him the support, the money, the endless hours of work. He’d simply greeted him with a tired smile, asked how therapy had gone, and kissed him with so much love and sincerity that it had made Aaron’s head spin.

Aaron didn’t exactly have experience being the strong one. They’d been married two years now, and they’d either been good, or Aaron had been spectacularly bad, and he’d needed the support.

Robert was _always_ the strong one, but now his husband was crying in a hospital bed with half his skin burnt off, and Aaron was trying to get his head together enough that he could do what Robert always did for him, put a brave face on and be an absolute rock.

He wasn’t sure if he could do it.

Aaron had never believed he was a strong person, despite what everything else told him. 

But he’d have to be, Aaron decided, counting to ten in his head. 

_1, 2, 3._

Robert needed him.

_4, 5, 6._

Thats all the mattered, really. Wasn’t it? Robert needed him, so Aaron had to step up.

_7, 8, 9._

Letting out a breathe, Aaron felt as calm as he could, given the circumstances.

_10._

“Aaron? I’m Niall, I’m the doctor treating your husband.”

Aaron stood up, looking at the doctor. “Is he okay?”

“He’s got second degree burns across his arm and upper chest which are causing him a lot of pain, but we’ve cleaned and bandaged them, and we’re keeping a close eye in case of infection.” Niall explained, moving them away from the hustle and bustle of the nurses station. “There’s some damage to his throat because of the smoke from the explosion, but it doesn’t seem to have affected his lung in any capacity, which is good news, given that Robert has a significant amount of scar tissue on his right lung as it is.”

Aaron nodded. “And his leg?”

“That’s our main concern at the moment.” Niall admitted. “He’s got third degree burns all across his upper thigh. They aren’t causing him much pain, but in this case, it’s not a good thing. I suspect there’s been some nerve damage, so we’ll have to assess the burns further once Robert has had a chance to rest.”

“Nerve damage?” Aaron couldn’t hide the worry from his voice. “That sounds serious.”

“It is.” Niall confirmed. “I don’t want to speculate, but given the positioning of the burns, it is likely Robert will need some physical therapy to help him recover from the damage.”

Aaron ran a hand through his hair. “Jesus. Can I see him?”

Niall nodded. “We’re just setting him up with an antibiotic drip. I would advise that as few people as possible see him over the next few hours, there is a high risk of infection from some of his burns as they are very deep.”

“Okay.”

It wasn’t okay, not really. 

“You need to make sure your hands are cleaned properly.” Niall warned. “Robert is on a heavy dose of antibiotics, but that doesn’t mean he’s not susceptible to infection. That’s the last thing he needs right now.”

“Okay. Is he awake?”

“He’s groggy. We’ve given him quite a high dosage of pain medication to help him rest, and he does still have the oxygen mask on to help his throat and give it time to recover from the smoke damage.”

“Thanks.” 

“He’s in the same room as earlier. When he’s more stable, we’ll be moving him to the burns ward, but for now we’ll be letting him rest here.” Niall said. “I’ll be back to check on him later, but please do let him rest as much as possible.”

Aaron nodded, turning back to his family as the doctor left. “I’m going to go see him.”

“Give him our love, Aaron.” Victoria said, clearly upset that she wouldn’t be seeing her brother any time soon. 

“Course.” Aaron took a steadying breath as he walked down the hallway, toward Robert’s room. 

_1, 2, 3._

He washed his hands, scrubbing roughly at the skin of his fingers, the anti-bacterial soap harsh on his skin. He wasn’t going to be the one to give Robert an infection.

_4, 5, 6._

Aaron closed his eyes briefly, breathing deeply. He could do this. 

_7, 8, 9._

Pushing open the door, Aaron stepped into the hospital room, looking at Robert. He was half awake, looking spaced out as he lay on his back (the one position Robert couldn’t properly sleep in) his chest and arm covered in thick bandages, the blanket pulled up tightly around him.

He looked so young, so broken as Aaron took him in.

**10.**

“Hiya.” Aaron said softly, sitting on the edge of Robert’s bed, taking Robert’s good hand in his own. “You gave me a right scare, you muppet.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> title of this fic is from the song 'jump into the fire', i just fucked with the lyrics for my own purposes!
> 
> the medical inaccuracies in this are probably wild. i am but a lowly politics student relying on google, so please forgive anything that's absolutely off the wall (i'll blame the medical website's i've spent weeks reading.)
> 
> i've got such a thing about robert and his relationship with fire, and this idea has been nagging at me for weeks. any excuse to explore robert's mental health, really. i've got it about 85% written, so i'll update this regularly enough (yell at me on tumblr if i don't, i'm robertsuggles!)
> 
> hope you enjoyed.


	2. ii. the aftermath

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> again, theres somewhat graphic descriptions of burn injuries in this chapter, so fair warning.

Robert couldn’t remember the explosion. He’d been drifting in and out of sleep for the best part of two days, aiding by the pain medication they had been giving him practically on tap, and he couldn’t remember the explosion.

The logical part of his brain knew it was bad if they were letting him be this dosed up, but he wasn’t in the mood to listen to that part of his brain, not when his throat still felt like it was on fire, and his entire body throbbed and itched, and every time he closed his eyes, he could see the fire, see the B&B burning as he desperately tried to get out, Tracey in front of him, everyone else lost in the chaos.

He vaguely remembered shoving Tracey toward the door, the smell of burning furniture still fresh in his nose, but he didn’t remember the moment the explosion happened. 

All he remembered was waking up and feeling like his entire body was on fire, and Aaron, Aaron’s hands on his face, Aaron trying to calm him down, Aaron’s voice in his ear as they peeled pieces of burnt clothing off his skin.

Robert had been hurt plenty in his life. He’d had the shit kicked out of him a thousand different ways, but nothing had compared to the pain he’d felt as they’d cleaned the burns on his arm and chest, the way it had felt like his skin was about to rip away from his body.

It made him think about his mum.

And every time he thought about his mum, he’d press the pain medication button.

Robert knew it only worked once every few hours or so, that it wasn’t a free flowing bag of morphine on the end of one of the drips attached to his good hand, but it felt good to press it, like maybe someone would take pity on him and just knock him out.

He was always grateful, when he did get a new dose of pain medication, because it put him into a blissful, dreamless sleep, a sleep where he didn’t wake up crying because _fire_ , because he could smell his own skin burning, because he watched his own mother die the same way he thought he was going to go, trapped in a burning building with no way out.

Robert knew Aaron was there.

Aaron hadn’t left, he knew that much. Robert hadn’t exactly made the effort to talk to his husband in the two days he’d been in hospital, not since Aaron had been there when they were removing the burnt clothing from his skin.

He’d been embarrassed by how much he needed Aaron then. 

Robert had been terrified, when the doctors had explained they needed to cut away his clothes and assess the burns. He wasn’t an idiot, he’d known it was bad - he’d known it was bad from the moment Aaron had refused to let him look at his own leg.

And _God_ , did it hurt.

Robert had panicked when they’d started the whole process, the nurse trying to calm him down, Robert begging for his husband, begging that Aaron be allowed to be there. 

Imagine that.

Robert Sugden, begging.

“I’m worried about him.”

Robert focused on the voices in his room, keeping his eyes tightly shut.

“I know he’s been through hell,” Aaron continued. “But he’s not spoken a word, and I know he’s awake. All he does is reach for that pain button.”

“It’s a normal reaction to a traumatic event.” A voice Robert didn’t recognise spoke. “We’ll start reducing his pain medication from today, it’ll give us a chance to assess his burns properly.”

“The other doctor said there’ll be scarring.”

Scarring? Robert didn’t want scars. He didn’t want to have his body mutilated and damaged, a constant reminder of the fire he’d barely escaped.

“The burns on his arm and chest will heal. They’re not as deep as the ones on his legs, and antibiotic cream will help. I can give you some recommendations for oils to help prevent scarring.”

“And his leg?”

“That will scar.” The doctor replied. “They’re third degree burns, he’s lucky that they didn’t burn through to his muscle. Scarring is the best outcome.”

“He’s not going to think that.” Aaron sighed.

At least Aaron knew him well. 

“When your husband does wake up properly, I am imagine he’s just going to be grateful to be alive.”

He was happy he was alive, that wasn’t wrong. Robert had too much to live for, if he was being sensible - Aaron, Liv, Vic and her little one. 

But there was a part of his brain that wouldn’t have minded not waking up, because waking up brought the nightmares, the nightmares he’d been suppressing for years, the new nightmares that had started in the hours since the explosion, Tracey’s screams in his ear and the smell of gas filling a burning B&B.

Nightmares he didn’t want to talk about.

“I don’t know if I should say this.”

Robert was confused at Aaron’s words.

“His mum, she died in a fire when he was fourteen.” Aaron said. “He doesn’t talk about it, not even to me - but I know it still affects him. Would that be why he’s not talking, pretending to be asleep?”

_No_.

Aaron should just keep his nose out.

“I’ll have someone from the mental health unit come and have a chat with him in the next couple of days, see what they think.” The doctor reassured.

“Thanks.”

Robert lay still as he heard the door to his hospital room open and shut, and Aaron move so he was sitting by his bed again. He tried to even out his breathing, keep it easy and slow, giving the impression of sleep.

He felt Aaron take his good hand in his own, closing his hands around Robert’s fingers. “You can stop pretending to be asleep, you know.” Aaron said softly, his lips grazing the back of Robert’s hand.

Maybe he didn’t want to stop pretending to be asleep.

“I’m here for you. I know the fire was hell, Robert, but I’m here.” Aaron murmured. “I miss talking to you. How soppy is that, eh? It’s only been two days, but I miss talking to you. You’re my favourite person to talk to.”

Robert bit the inside of his cheek, refusing to let his face fall into a soft smile.

He didn’t want to talk to anyone, Aaron included, no matter what nice things Aaron said to him.

“Nicola brought by chocolates, earlier. I’ve eaten most of the nice ones.” Aaron admitted, giving Robert’s hand a squeeze. “Liv misses you, not that she’d say it. She’s eaten all your cereal.”

Typical Liv.

“Just, talk to me Robert. You’ll get through this.” Aaron reassured. “You might have heard, but the doctors said the burns on your arm and chest are going to heal. You can get some sort of oil to help with scarring.”

Robert shifted, keeping his eyes squeezed shut. He didn’t want to look at Aaron, because if he looked at Aaron, he’d probably cry, and Robert had enough of crying, of being weak, and upset, and tired. 

“The important thing is that you’re alive, Rob. Eh? You’re alive, and you’re going to be fine. Your throat is healing really well, the nurse said - no affect on your breathing, or your lung.”

Robert’s throat still felt rough, and sore as he breathed deeply, his forehead scrunching.

“I know you're listening to me, Robert.” Aaron couldn’t keep the sigh out of his voice. Of course his husband could gauge his reactions well enough to know that he was wide awake, _of course._

Robert stayed silent.

“I’m going to go and grab a coffee.” Aaron admitted. “I’m starving. I’m eating crap hospital food so I can be with ya, you know, so the least you could do is grunt at me or something.”

He stood up, pressing a kiss to Robert’s forehead. “Love you,” Aaron breathed softly against his skin, grabbing something from the table (his wallet, Robert presumed) before leaving the room.

Robert opened his eyes to watch him leave, taking in the slump of Aaron’s shoulders, his messy hair, the sleeves of his jumper tugged down over his hands. He didn’t like seeing Aaron worried, he really didn’t, but he couldn’t find the energy to talk.

He couldn’t muster the strength to string together a few words and reassure Aaron he was alright.

He didn’t really want to, either. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Hey, sleepyhead.”

Robert blinked at the nurse who was bustling around his room, checking his drips. She flashed him a bright smile, clearly trying to put him at ease. 

“You’ve had that lovely husband of yours worried,” She commented, straightening Robert’s blankets. “Sleeping here night and day, he is. I’ve only just managed to convince him to go and get some fresh air, so lets not tell him you woke up as soon as he left, eh?”

Robert didn’t have the energy to force a smile. “He alright?”

“He’s worried about you.” The nurse said. “Now, how do you feel about some tea and toast?”

He didn’t really feel anything about tea and toast, if he was honest, but he nodded, if only to get her to leave - which she did, but not before another bright smile and a promise of sending his husband back to him if she found him.

Robert looked at his arm and shoulder as soon as the nurse left, brow furrowing as he took in the expanse of pristine white bandages covering up all the burns. His skin was staring to feel itchy underneath the bandages, and he’d love nothing more than to rip them off and tear at his skin until it bled.

But he didn’t.

That would keep him in hospital longer, wouldn’t it?

Robert just wanted to go home.

Using his good hand as best he could given the IV lines attached to the back of his hand, Robert lifted the blanket to look at his leg. His thigh was even more heavily bandaged, but they weren’t causing him any real pain.

Third degree burns.

Robert had read about it, online. Aaron had brought his iPad to the hospital, and late at night, when he was feeling less groggy and more curious, Aaron fast asleep in the chair, he’d done some research.

Third degree burns were serious, and they tended to be so deep that they didn’t cause pain, because the nerves were damaged anyway.

Robert had always been a bit vain, if he was being honest about it. He took pride in how he looked, he always enjoyed the attention he got from people, the comments on his appearance.

He didn’t like the idea of half his body being covered in scars.

“You’ve finally decided to wake up, eh?” Aaron joked, stepping into the room. He was wearing one of Robert’s jumpers, an old navy one Robert only tended to wear around the house. Aaron loved it because it was soft, and miles too big for him, and on a good day, Robert would have teased him for wearing it.

He just noticed today. 

Noticed how tired Aaron looked.

Noticed how worried his husband was.

Just, _noticed_. 

“C’mere, I missed you.” Aaron cupped Robert’s face in his hands, kissing him softly. Robert let his eyes flutter shut, the feeling of Aaron’s chapped lips against his own familiar.

Aaron broke the kiss, giving Robert a sincere smile. “How are you feeling?” 

“Terrible.” Robert mumbled, his voice croaky from not using it. 

“The doctor’s are saying you’re doing really well,” Aaron settled himself on the edge of Robert’s bed, his feet on the chair. “Thats good, eh? You’ll be out of here in no time.”

Robert nodded. 

“You can talk to me, you know.” Aaron nudged. “I know what you’re like, you’re as bad as me for bottling things up.” 

“I’m okay.” Robert lied, giving Aaron a weak smile. “Really, I’m alright. I’m just glad I’m alive, you know?”

“Me too.” Aaron brushed a hand through Robert’s hair, grinning. “You’re getting a bit of scruff, you know.”

“I know, it’s itchy.” Robert grumbled, scratching at his face. 

“If you’re in here much longer, I’ll bring some of your shaving stuff from home.” Aaron offered. “Mum’s brought in your pyjamas, but you’ve been so out of it, they’ve just let you be.”

Plus it would be a hassle to try and move someone who’s covered in burns and bandages, like he was.

“Vic and Diane were here yesterday, you didn’t wake up though.” Aaron trailed off. “I wasn’t sure if you’d want me to ring them, tell them you were up and about again.”

But he wasn’t, was he? He wasn’t up and about.

“Robert..” Aaron sighed. “Will you talk to me, please?”

“Talk to you about what? How how I nearly died? About how it’s all I can think about?” Robert snapped. “I don’t want to talk, Aaron.”

Aaron reeled. “I’m sorry.”

“I just don’t want to talk about it.”

“It’s okay to be upset, you know.” Aaron offered.

Robert glared at him. “A year of therapy doesn’t make you a shrink, Aaron. I don’t want to talk about it, can’t you get that through your _thick_ skull?”

“I’m going to let you off with that one because you’re hurt, Robert, and I know you’re going through it at the moment.” Aaron’s voice was scarily calm. “But don’t talk to me like that. I’m your _husband_."

“Yeah, and I’m yours, so could you listen to me for once and stop trying to make me talk about it? I just want to get out of here.”

Aaron sighed. “Fine.”

There was a few minutes silence.

“The nurse is gone to get me tea and toast.” 

“You hungry then?” Aaron looked almost hopeful as he asked, wondering if an appetite meant that Robert was on the road to recovery. 

“Dunno.” Robert shrugged. “When’s the doctor coming back?”

“Later this afternoon, I think.” Aaron said. “They’ve got to change your bandages.”

Robert glanced at his arm. “Change them?” 

“It’s to prevent infection, I think.” Aaron explained. “You’ve got to keep them really clean.”

Robert clenched, and unclenched his good hand, digging his fingers into his palm. “Okay.”

“It’ll be alright, Rob.” Aaron brushed a thumb across Robert’s cheekbone, a gesture Robert usually found a comfort. “We’ve been through worse, eh?”

Robert’s eyes narrowed. “Worse than half my skin getting burnt off?”  


“You know thats not what I meant.” Aaron shook his head. “Come on, Robert. Don’t be like this.”

Robert shifted in his hospital bed, turning so he was facing the window. “Tired.” He said shortly, hoping Aaron would get the message.

Aaron sighed, standing up. “Sure you are.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Robert, how are you feeling today?”

Robert looked over at the doctor, shrugging. “Fine.”

“Hows the pain?” 

“S’alright.” 

“I’m Niall by the way, not sure if you remember me introducing myself.” The doctor said, grabbing Robert’s chart. “We’re going to start reducing your pain medication from today, that’ll give us a better idea of how you’re doing.”

Robert’s eyes widened. “Reducing it?”

“You’re on a very high dosage of painkillers, Robert, you can’t stay on them forever.” Niall explained. “Hows your breathing?”

“Feels alright.”

“That’s good,” Niall nodded. “The smoke inhalation doesn’t seem to be as bad as we first expected, thats a positive. We’ll keep a close eye on it as a precaution because of the damage you’ve already got to your lung, but I wouldn’t be concerned about it.”

Robert nodded. 

“Right, let’s take a look at your arm, eh?” Niall gestured to the nurse next to him, who was pushing a trolley of medical gear. 

“Go get a coffee Aaron.” Robert mumbled. 

Aaron raised an eyebrow. “I’m fine here, thanks.” 

“I don’t want you here.” 

“Well, too bad.” Aaron replied. “They’ve told me I should know whats involved with changing these dressings for when you’re out of hospital, so I’m going to stay right here thanks.”

If Niall and the nurse were uncomfortable with how snappy they were being with each other, they didn’t show it. 

“Aaron’s right, Robert.” The nurse - Amy, wasn’t it? - said, moving the blanket down Robert’s chest. “It’s important you keep these clean.”

“I can do it myself.”

“Of course you can,” Amy gave him a stupidly sincere smile. “But you don’t have to. Now, look at that lovely husband of yours and take a few deep breaths for me, please.”

Robert was going to argue, but as she began to carefully unwrap the bandages from his arm, and chest, he couldn’t help but turn to look at Aaron, who was sitting in the chair next to his bed, elbows on the mattress.

Aaron gave him an encouraging smile, all sniping forgotten. 

“The burns are starting to heal well, Robert.”

Robert turned to look at his arm, his face instantly loosing colour. The burns along his shoulder and forearm were staring to blister, red raw and angry. There were scabs all along his skin from where the clothes had melted into his arm, and the constant itch he was feeling felt immediately worse as the burns were exposed to the air. 

They looked awful. 

“Keeping them clean is the most important thing,” Amy began, gently cleaning along Robert’s arm with some warm water. “Aaron’s already had this lecture from me, but it’s got to be non-scented soap you use, or you’ll aggravate the skin.”

Robert swallowed numbly, unable to tear his gaze away from the burns now he’d started looking. Amy gently applied a layer of antibiotic cream along his arm, and upper chest, her hands small, and unfamiliar.

“You’ve got to be careful not to bandage the burns too tightly, either. We’d normally recommend not bandaging them at all, but all your burns would be aggravated by clothes, unfortunately, so it’s best to give them time to recover.” Amy continued, fixing a new layer of pristine white bandages in place, pinning them together neatly. “Arm all done! That wasn’t so bad, was it?”

It had been awful. Robert could feel the slice of toast and cup of tea he’d managed to eat earlier swirling in his stomach, threatening to come back up his throat.

“I’ll be honest with you here, Robert. We’re worried about the burns on your thigh - they’re deep, and they’ve caused a lot of damage,” Niall said, still holding the clipboard. “We’re going to be keeping a very close eye on them. Have you felt any pain in that leg?”

“No.”

“Unfortunately that does mean that the nerve endings have been damaged. We suspected as much,” Niall watched as Amy unwrapped the bandages around Robert’s leg. “We’ll go ahead and organise a debriding procedure for this evening. It means removing the dead skin and tissue on the burns, which will give it a better chance of healing. I had initially hoped we wouldn’t need to, but the damage is extensive.”

Robert shouldn’t have looked, but he did. 

The skin on his thigh was destroyed, mottled red and black and peeling. The burns were shiny, an angry red that turned Robert’s stomach just that bit too much, pushing him that bit too far.

“I’m going to be sick.” Robert closed his eyes, his stomach heaving. “I’m going to be sick!” He repeated, more forcefully this time.

He could feel a hand on the back of his head and a bowl under his chin as he threw the contents of his stomach up, but Robert was half surprised to see Aaron was the one holding the bowl as he puked.

Aaron wasn’t good with sick. Liv had gotten a vomiting bug the previous November, and Robert had been the one to sit with her on the bathroom floor as she emptied the her stomach into the toilet over, and over, Aaron standing in the hallway and occasionally offering a few words of comfort.

But there he was, not even flinching as Robert got sick.

“‘M sorry.” Robert muttered, though he wasn’t sure who he was directing the apology toward.

Aaron’s grip tightened in his hair as he passed the bowl to Amy to get rid of, leaning down to press a kiss to Robert’s head. “S’alright.” He reassured softly. 

“I’m going to go ahead and recommend that we go with a surgical debridement, Robert.” Niall said. “Considering the size of the burns, I think it would be best.”

“What’s that?”

“We’ll be using an anaesthetic gel on your leg, before removing the dead tissue caused by the burns. It’s the quickest way of removing the tissue, and the anaesthetic gel means you’ll be in as little pain as possible, Robert.”

“And that’ll help?”

“It should help massively.” Niall confirmed. “With burns this severe, our main priority is making sure there’s no chance of sepsis - blood poisoning, that is.”

Robert watched as Aaron nodded, clearly remembering his own brush with sepsis a few years ago. 

“We’ll schedule the debridement for later, but for now the best thing for you to do is rest.” Niall glanced at the clipboard. “We’ll look at reducing your pain medication after the procedure.”

At least they weren’t taking the pain medication away just yet. 

“Would you be alright to speak to a mental health nurse, Robert? It’s a precaution because you were involved with a traumatic incident.” Amy asked, packing up the unused bandages.

“Do I have to?”

“Yes.” Amy said firmly. “You’ve had a tough few days, Robert.”

“Can I do it later? Tomorrow or something?” Robert pleaded, trying to ignore the lingering taste of sick in his mouth.

“I’ll arrange it for tomorrow afternoon.” 

Aaron turned to look at Robert, concern evident on his face. “Are you alright?” 

“Have you got mouthwash or something with you?” Robert asked, grimacing. 

Aaron nodded, moving so he could root in the wash-bag next to him. “Dunno what sort of one Vic bought me, it should help though.”

Robert nodded, taking the bottle from Aaron with shaking hands. The minty taste was a relief, and he swirled the mouthwash around his mouth for a few seconds before taking the bowl Aaron offered him, spitting it out. 

He let Aaron pull the blanket up around him, watching as Aaron settled himself on the edge of his bed again. 

“You feel like talking yet?” Aaron asked.

Robert shook his head. “No.” 

Aaron sighed, reaching for Robert’s hand. “You can just listen to me, then. Liv’s in a right mood, throwing a fit over her GCSEs.”

Robert let Aaron talk, only paying attention as his husband spoke because it stopped him thinking about the fire.

And he really didn’t want to think about the fire.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for the support on the first chapter of this!! hope you liked this one.


	3. iii. recovery

“The debridement procedure went really well.”

Robert watched as the doctor flicked through his notes, flashing him a smile. He knew he should feel excited about the fact it had gone so well, that the doctor was delighted with the progress, but he just felt numb.

Maybe it was the pain medication.

“We’ll start reducing your pain medication from now, but I see no reason why you shouldn’t be able to go home at the end of the week.” Niall continued, putting Robert’s chart back. “If you’re feeling up to it later, take a walk around the ward - your leg is going to be stiff for a while, but you need to get yourself moving a bit more.”

Robert nodded. 

“We’ll have a liaison from the mental health unit come and talk to you later.”

“Do I have to?” 

“As Amy explained yesterday, when a patient has been through a traumatic incident like you have, it’s procedure. It’s nothing major, but all the boxes need to be ticked.” Niall offered him a smile. “I’ll be back to check on you later, and one of the nurses will be in to change your bandages.”

Robert nodded again, watching as the doctor left the room, leaving him to his own devices. Aaron had gone home the previous evening, looking absolutely done in and desperate to sleep in an actual bed for the first time in three days.

He hadn’t wanted him to go, but he hadn’t really wanted Aaron to stay, either.

Aaron had left with the promise of coming in the next morning with some half decent food and some proper pyjamas for him, and Robert had been grateful for the time alone until the night had really kicked in, and Robert was alone, properly alone for the first time since the fire and he’d panicked.

He’d panicked, and he’d been awake most of the night, watching stupid episodes of TV shows he’d already watched on Netflix, determined not to fall asleep and succumb to the nightmares that had started to plague him. 

Robert was terrified of them reducing the pain relief, because that had been the only thing keeping the worst of the nightmares at bay.

“Aren’t I the lucky one, coming in and you’re actually awake?”  


Vic.

Robert turned to see his sister bustling in the door of the hospital room, bags in hand. “Hiya,” He replied weakly, trying to give her a bright smile.

“Aaron was right, you’re definitely looking better.” Victoria commented, setting her bags down on the chair. “Oh, Robert. You had me so worried, you know that? Don’t ever do that to me again!”

“I’ll do my best to avoid explosions then, eh?” Robert tried to joke, the words sounding dull, and unfunny to him. Still, it got a laugh out of Victoria.

She settled herself down at the edge of his bed, rooting in one of her bags. “I made your favourite, those chocolate chip cookies you ate absolute _piles_ of when you were living at mine. I thought you could do with a bit of sugar!”

“Thanks, Vic. I’m not too hungry at the minute.”

“Aaron’ll eat enough of them for the two of you.” Victoria grinned, setting the tupperware box down on the tray at the end of Robert’s bed. “He’s charming all the nurses you know, Aaron. They’re all asking after him.”

Robert couldn’t help but grin, really grin at that one. “Who’d have though, Aaron’s the charming one out of the two of us?”

“The tables have really turned.” Victoria grinned, reaching out to brush Robert’s hair back off his face. “How are you feeling?”

“Good.” Robert nodded. “They did a procedure on my leg, last night. Said it worked really well.”

“Well, that’s good news, isn’t it?” Victoria beamed. “Sophie is asking after ya. I mean, she’s not exactly using words to ask after you, but she got all excited when she noticed the picture of us at you and Aaron’s wedding day, so I’ll pretend like it’s because she missed ya.”

“I miss her too.” Robert said, thinking of his tiny niece. Sophie was going on six months old now, and she was an absolute gem of a child, inheriting Adam’s bright smile and Victoria’s sunny personality. He and Aaron adored her, took any excuse to babysit her.

His face fell slightly as he thought about Sophie. She’d been unsettled, the past couple of times they’d babysat her - the only way to settle her had to been to hold her close and rock her against his bare chest.

He couldn’t imagine that now, the messy pattern of scars across his shoulder and chest only in the beginning stages of healing. Robert couldn’t face the prospect of Sophie seeing them, and the baby getting scared.

Because that’s what would happen, wasn’t it? Sophie wouldn’t know, she was a baby, and they were awful, and horrific, and Robert hated every inch of them.

“Robert?”

“Sorry, spaced out a bit.” Robert lied. “The pain medication’s making my head go a bit funny.”

“Aaron did say you’ve been properly doped up.” Victoria grinned, popping open the tupperware box she’d brought, grabbing a cookie. “Nicola’s been more worried about ya than she’s letting on. Even asked me how you were the other day!”

“She’s probably just annoyed she’s got to do all the work, we all know how useless Jimmy is.” 

Victoria laughed. “You’re probably right. Oh, actually, I forgot to tell you! Diane was minding Sophie the other morning, and she found an old picture of mum she had tucked away somewhere, and Rob, they look the _same_. They’ve got the same face, look!”

Victoria thrusted her phone at Robert, grinning. She had a picture of Sophie on the screen, side by side with an old picture of Sarah. It had gone yellow with time, but the similarities were uncanny.

Sophie looked like his mum.

Robert felt a weight crushing on his chest as he looked at the screen in front of him. He missed his mum, he missed her desperately, and now, seeing a photo of her next to Sophie, seeing how similar they looked, knowing how happy his mum would be to have another grandchild ( _God, to have met any of them_ ), it hurt.

It hurt because he wanted her there.

“They do look alike.” Robert offered, trying to hide the emotion from his voice. 

“It’s nice, isn’t it?” Victoria beamed. “It’s like I’ve got a bit of mum around. You know? I don’t remember much of her, but I get to have her little mini-me around in Sophie, it’s really made me smile this week.”

“That’s good, Vic. I’m glad.”

Glad.

He wasn’t glad.

He was _hurt_. 

He wanted his mum.

“You alright?” Victoria looked concerned. 

“Just feeling a bit tired.” 

“I’ll head off then, shall I?” Victoria said, not sounding as though she wanted to go. “I’ve left Sophie with Adam, so I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s managed to bring the house down around him by time I get back.” 

She pressed a kiss to his forehead, smiling widely at him. “Love ya, Robert. I’m so glad to see you doing better. Aaron’ll be in soon, Chas was just making him a slap up breakfast before he drove up.”

“Thanks, Vic.” 

Robert held it together until Victoria had gathered her gear up, watching as his sister left this hospital room. Wincing as he tried to roll onto his left side, to face away from the door, Robert started to cry.

Everything was starting to hurt, the reduction in the pain medication kicking in.

Everything hurt and his _heart_ hurt. 

Robert hated feeling weak.

He hated feeling weak, and broken, and like he couldn’t do anything without bursting into tears. 

He hated feeling like this.

Robert just wanted his mum.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“I’ve heard you’re allowed go on an adventure.” Aaron greeted, mooching into the room with a backpack in hand. 

“Hm?”  


“The nurse, she said they’ve recommended you go on a bit of a walk today.” Aaron said. “There hospital canteen is at the end of this ward, y’know. We could go on a walk, get a coffee.”

“I don’t know..”  


“The change of scenery might do you good.” Aaron shrugged, taking one of the cookies from the box Victoria had left behind. “And you have to do it, seeing as the doctor’s said so.”

“When did you get your medical degree?” 

“While you were sleeping.” Aaron grinned. “I brought you clean pyjamas, and your dressing gown. Liv’s bought you slippers, too - skipped school to get them so I grounded her, but the thought counts, eh?”

Robert nodded, glancing down at the grubby blue t-shirt he was wearing. He’d been naked from the waist up the first few days in hospital, but had managed to convince one of the nurses to let him wear the t-shirt when he complained of being cold.

He didn’t like seeing the bandages all the time.

“Arms up then.”

“What?”

“That t-shirt is manky, Robert, and it has to be bad if I’m noticing it.” Aaron said, rooting in his backpack for a clean t-shirt. “You’ve got to get changed.”

Robert stiffened, looking at his left shoulder. “I don’t…”

“I’ve seen them.” Aaron shrugged, unhooking the antibiotics from the pole so Robert could pull it through the arm of his t-shirt, and avoid getting tangled. “Anyway, you’re all bandaged up, aren’t ya? You’ll be fine.”

Robert was out of excuses, so he sat up, lifting his arms slightly so Aaron to yank the t-shirt off him.

“This is probably the least sexy way I’ve ever undressed you in the two years we’ve been together.” Aaron commented with a smirk, pulling the clean t-shirt on over Robert’s head. 

“So the time I had to get you out of your jeans because you were too drunk to find the button after you puked all over yourself was sexier than this?” Robert raised an eyebrow.

“Maybe not.” Aaron grinned. “You need help getting up?”  


Robert shook his head. He’d been shaky on his feet, the past day or so, but he’d managed to make it to the bathroom by himself, clinging to the pole his IV drips were attached to.

Lifting back his blanket’s, Robert grimaced at the state of his leg. His left thigh was bandaged up completely after the debridement procedure, his skin paler than usual against the stark white of the bandages.

He was only wearing boxers, the nurses advising not to have anything rub too harshly against the burns for the first couple of days.

“Real pants.” Aaron said, producing a pair of pyjama bottoms from his backpack, passing them to Robert.

Robert tried to lean over to tug the material over his feet, wincing at how stiff, and strange his left leg felt. He managed to get them over his toes without any help though, standing up off the bed so he could pull them up properly.

He was glad Aaron had brought the pyjamas over tracksuit bottoms, the soft cotton barely noticeable against his skin. Shrugging on his dressing gown, Robert stepped into the slippers Aaron had set down on the floor, looking at his husband as Aaron hooked the bag of antibiotics back onto the pole.

Aaron looked better.

He didn’t look so tired, so worried. That was good, Robert supposed.

“Alright then Sugden,” Aaron grinned. “The sights of Hotten General await.”

“I heard you’ve been charming the nurses.” Robert commented, holding tightly to the metal pole that was keeping his drip elevated. Walking felt a bit strange, if he was honest, the skin on his left thigh feeling too tight.

“Someone had to take up the mantle, seeing as you were drugged up and passed out.” Aaron shrugged, hands stuffed in the pockets of his hoodie as they strolled down the corridor. 

Robert looked around the busy corridor, the nurses and family members bustling around. He’d been moved to the burns unit after his first night in A&E, the ward eerily quiet at times.

He supposed everyone was in the same mindset as him, if they’d been caught up in afire. Not quite sure what to say, or do, how to act.

“Vic showed me the picture of mum Diane found.” Robert admitted after a few minutes silence. 

“Yeah?”

Robert noticed the flash of concern that barely lasted a second on Aaron’s face. “She was happy.”

“Adam said she was delighted, when Diane found it.” Aaron confirmed. “How are you about it?”  


Robert shrugged. “I’ve seen pictures of my mum before, Aaron.”

Aaron mimicked the shrug. “If you’re sure you’re fine.”  


“Always am.” Robert attempted one of his usual bright smiles. “How shit is the coffee here then?”

“Fairly on par with the muck we got when we were driving back from Cornwall,” Aaron said, clearly thinking of the service station they’d stopped at, somewhere between the holiday cottage they'd rented in Cornwall for a week, wanting an escape after Aaron’s release from prison (when he was finally able to actually leave Emmerdale, provided there was no more than seven days between his weekly court mandated therapy sessions, so they’d managed four days of blissful peace in a tiny cottage in Cornwall with a view of the beach.)

It had been some side of the road petrol station, a layer of dust on the coffee machine and a disinterested teenager behind the counter. It had been like drinking tar, not coffee, but they’d sat on the bonnet of Aaron’s car, and they'd laughed, and snogged each others faces off, and made up for the honeymoon they’d never gotten.

It had been nice.

“I bet you miss your fancy coffee machine.” Aaron commented, holding open the door of the canteen for Robert.   
Robert ignored the wince in his chest as Aaron guided him toward a table, still smiling brightly. 

He felt helpless.

“I do.” Robert responded quietly. He watched as Aaron joined the queue, feeling instantly uncomfortable now he was alone.

You could see the edge of the thick bandages covering his shoulder and chest peeking out from underneath his pyjama top, and Robert knew there was a massive, still healing cut stretched across his forehead. 

He was a million miles from feeling like himself, and he hated it. 

“I got a bit excited.” Aaron admitted, sliding a tray onto the table. “They had bread and butter pudding.”

Robert would have normally lit up at the prospect of bread and butter pudding, but he just felt oddly hollow as he looked at the dessert in front of him.

“Come on old man, it’s your favourite.” Aaron had teased him endlessly when Robert had admitted his favourite dessert was bread and butter pudding, but in the going on three years they’d been together (a year of dating, a year of marriage, they’d managed to survive the first two and a bit years together at least) Aaron had been converted.

Robert watched as Aaron scooped some of the pudding into his mouth, a messy eater as always. 

“You okay?” Aaron asked through a mouthful of food.

Robert nodded, picking up the spoon with shaking hands, scooping some of it into his mouth. It just tasted like cardboard as he chewed it, tasteless and chewy. 

“Good, right?” Aaron beamed. 

“Great.” Robert lied, forcing another spoonful into his mouth.

His mum had always made great bread and butter pudding.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Robert? My name is Amelia, I’m from the mental health unit.” 

Robert looked at the new arrival to his hospital room, a casually dressed woman who couldn’t be much older than Aaron. “Hi.”

“It’s good to see you’re up and about.” Amelia commented, pulling up the second chair so she could sit across from Robert. 

He’d decided to sit in the armchair by his bed that afternoon, bored of lying prone in his bed. “I fancied a change of scenery, really.” 

“You getting a bit bored?” Amelia asked.

“A little bit.” Robert said, faking a smile. “I’m a bit of a workaholic. I’ve been trying to convince my husband to bring me some work in, but he’s determined I’m kept stress free for a few days at least.”

“Your husband is probably right.” Amelia smiled. “So, I’m just here for a quick chat, really. You were caught up in a traumatic incident, so we just want to make sure your head is in the right place.”

“I’m fine, honestly.” Robert shook his head. “I was fairly shaken up, the first day or so, but I’m really feeling fine now.”

Amelia nodded. “It’s perfectly fine to not feel okay about this, Robert. An explosion is a horrible thing to have to go through.”

“I know.” Robert confirmed. “I mean, I’ll be honest, I can’t really remember the explosion, or the fire. I think maybe that’s helping me get over it, I don’t remember it happening.”  


“The brain does tend to block out traumatic incidents.” Amelia nodded. “It’s not unlikely that you’ll start to remember it as time goes on.” 

Robert nodded. “I’ll be alright.”

“It sounds like you’ve got a great support system in your husband.” 

Support system.

That was such a therapy word to use, wasn’t it? Robert heard it a million times when Aaron was going through therapy.

“I do.” Robert confirmed. “Aaron’s brilliant.”

“He mentioned that your mum passed away during a fire.” Amelia said. “Have you been thinking about that, the past few days?”

Robert shook his head. “No, honestly,” He lied. “It was a long time ago, and mum died in a freak accident on the farm. It’s not really crossed my mind, other than to think about how lucky I am to have gotten out with just a few burns.”

“It’s great you’re keeping a positive mindset, Robert.”

It was great he was a good liar, more like. 

“I’m trying.” Robert said. “We’ve been through a lot, me and Aaron. I figure this is just another one of those bumps in the road, right? Anyway, they’ve said I’m healing really well.”

Amelia nodded. “Your doctor did say all your procedures have gone well.”

“I can’t really ask for more, can I?” Robert said sweetly. “In all honesty, I’m just looking forward to going home. I’m going a bit stir crazy, staring at these four walls - there’s only so much Netflix you can watch.”

Amelia laughed. “That’s a fair point.”

Robert shifted in his chair, wincing as an itch flared up across his shoulder. 

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, they’re just starting to get itchy - the burns.” Robert explained, rubbing at his collarbone. “It’s fine.”

“You seem like you’re in a good place about this, Robert.” Amelia said, offering Robert a sincere smile. “I’d like to catch up with you in a couple of weeks, maybe when you’re back at the burns unit for another appointment? I’ll organise it with your doctor.”

“Why?”

“Purely precaution, Robert. You’ve been through something traumatic.” Amelia said, passing him a leaflet. “If you find you start to struggle over the next couple of days, or weeks, there’s a counsellor based in Hotten I’d highly recommend. They specialise in dealing with patients who’ve been through something traumatic, so if you need a chat, someone to talk to about what happened, please do give them a call.”

Robert accepted the leaflet, offering Amelia a bright smile. “I will. Thank you.”

“No problem, Robert.” Amelia stood up. “All the best with your recovery.”

Robert nodded, setting the leaflet down on his bedside locker. 

He had no intention of ringing that counsellor.

Robert was fine, he was absolutely fine.

Once he was home, he’d be fine.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Robert, you’re looking a bit peaky this morning.” Amy commented, arriving into his room like a whirlwind, as per usual. She was so constantly bright and happy, it was starting to grate on Robert’s nerves a bit.

“I didn’t get the best nights sleep.” Robert admitted.

“Too much sugar from those cookies your lovely sister brought around?” Amy teased.

“It’s just noisy, here.” Robert shrugged. “I like the quiet.” 

“It can be hard to sleep in hospitals, I know.” Amy reassured, fixing his pillows. “How are you feeling otherwise? No pain?”

“No, I’m alright.” Robert said. “The burns on my shoulder are a bit itchy.”

“That just means they’re healing.” Amy said. “It’s annoying, I know, but take it as something good, eh? When they’ve healed a bit more, you can start putting aloe vera gel on them, it should help soothe the itching.”

Robert nodded. “Thanks.”

“You spoke to Amelia, from the mental health unit yesterday?”

“Mm.”

“She said you seemed in good form,” Amy said. “You feeling good again today?”

“I am.” Robert lied. “I’m just excited to get home now.”

“You know you can say if you’re not feeling a hundred percent, Robert. It’s understandable, after what you’ve been through.

Saying it like she knew what Robert was going through. He could laugh, really.

“I’m fine, honestly.” Robert said. “Desperate to get out of here.”

Amy smiled. “Well, keep in mind that there’s always someone to talk to around here, and even when you’re at home. I know Amelia recommended a counsellor, there’s always someone only a phonecall away.”

No one in this hospital could take a hint, could they?

“Thanks.” 

Amy patted his leg before leaving him to his own devices.

It was still early in the morning, well before Aaron would arrive to see him. He’d been getting to the hospital around nine or ten every morning, seeing Liv off to school before he’d come to see Robert.

That gave him two or so hours to have a bit of a kip, and play the part when Aaron arrived. 

That’d be enough.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

_“Robert, Robert - we’ve got to get out, it’s the kitchen, the kitchen is on fire.”_

_“ROBERT!”_

_“MUM! Mum, you’ve got to get her out.”_

_“Robert, run!”_

_“Dad, please - please you can’t leave her in there, mum.”_

_“ROBERT!”_

Robert woke up, absolutely drenched in sweat, his heart racing. It was okay, he’d be okay, it was just a dream - it’s not like it was real, it’s not like any of it was real memories.

Swallowing thickly, Robert closed his eyes for a second. He could remember how hot it had been in the B&B, how desperate and panicked Tracey had been, how he’d frozen on the spot, his mind immediately on his mother, on how she had died.

How he’d been so convinced that it had been the end. 

Robert had stood in that burning B&B and wondered if everything bad he’d done in his life had finally caught up to him, that he was finally going to pay for all the bad things he’d done by dying the same way as his mother had, the same way that had haunted him for so many years now.

Opening his eyes, Robert reached for the glass of water on his beside locker, hating how his hands shook as he tried to take a drink. 

He was fine.

He was totally fine. 

As soon as he got home, he’d be fine. 

 

 

 

 

 


	4. iv. refusal

Now Robert was doing better (according to his doctors) Aaron had been more willing to sleep at home, leaving the hospital late at night, and returning early in the morning. After nearly a week sleeping in an uncomfortable hospital chair, his back had been grateful for the return to their ridiculously comfortable bed.

The Mill didn’t really feel like home without Robert there, if he was being honest about it. Robert was in every single aspect of the house, from the stylish kitchen (c _ountry style, Aaron, it’s the perfect mix of modern and classic!_ ) and their bedroom, the colours of the walls and the furniture all Robert’s ideas.

He’d not really cared how the house would look, in the end. Aaron wasn’t exactly fussed about interior decoration, and as long as he got a big telly to watch the matches on, and a comfortable bed, he was happy.

He _almost_ regretted his decision to just go along with Robert now, as he looked around the house, the mug in his hand part of a set that Robert had bought during a business trip to London, refusing to let Aaron see the receipt ( _price doesn’t matter, Aaron - it’s a beautiful mug set._ )

Aaron had looked up the brand online and nearly died at the price, but he hadn’t said a word. Robert’s excitement had been infectious, and in the year and a bit since they’d moved in, he’d become more house proud.

Plus, after three months in once of Her Majesty’s godawful prisons, Aaron had been bound to love any house he was living in, bound to love anything that Robert had spend three months doing the heavy lifting for.

He’d needed something to distract himself with, Robert had shrugged when he’d shown Aaron the Mill, the windows fixed and the dry rot gone, the house a blank canvas for them to put their stamp on.

Aaron missed having Robert in bed next to him, he missed having Robert across the table from him as they ate their breakfast, missed curling up on the couch with Robert and watching crap telly.

The past week or so had only served to make Aaron realise that he literally wouldn’t be able to live without Robert, if anything were to happen to him. Walking past the B&B was a harsh reminder of how close he’d actually come to loosing his husband, and Aaron hated it.

He hated knowing that it could have all gone so differently, that Aaron could have been coming home to a Robert-less house forever, rather than just for two weeks. 

Robert was being released today, and Aaron wasn’t sure how to feel. He wanted Robert home, of course, but he was worried, because he wasn’t so sure if Robert was ready to be back where the fire had happened.

Physically he was doing well, but Aaron was more worried about his head. Robert was a brilliant liar, and the bright smile and reassuring words he’d gotten from the mental health nurse after she’d spoken to Robert hadn’t been much of a reassurance.

If Robert was really that okay, why did he still seem so _off_? Aaron was so used to his husband snapping back to his old self after something happened, taking mere hours to be shaken up before he’d crack a joke, or a smarmy comment, and he’d be fine again.

He’d have to just trust the doctors, he supposed. 

Aaron set his mug and bowl in the sink, grimacing at the amount of washing up he’d managed to let pile up over the week and a half that Robert had been in hospital. Robert was the neater one, he’d always stack their used plates and bowls in the dishwasher as soon as they were done with them.

Aaron was more likely to leave it on the kitchen table until Robert snapped and put it away for him. It’d caused a fair amount of arguments when they’d first moved into the Mill, Robert immediately house-proud, Aaron immediately comfortable enough to leave everything lying around.

They were a clash of personalities at the best of times, but Aaron was starting to believe that was why they worked so well. 

They’d managed over two years so far, hadn’t they?

Grabbing his keys and the bag he packed for Robert, Aaron headed out the door. 

He was looking forward to Robert coming home. Even if he was worried about Robert not being 100% well, Aaron couldn’t wait to have his husband home. 

The Mill was too big a place for just him and Liv.

Aaron cranked the radio up as he drove the familiar route between Emmerdale and Hotten General, a route he’d driven so many times over the past week or so - it was as though he was driving on autopilot at this stage, having memorised every turn, every traffic light. 

He never wanted to see the inside of Hotten General again.

It had to be the universe that was out to get them at this stage, the amount of times in their relationship one of them had ended up in hospital, halfway to being dead. He supposed he should be grateful that they’d both left alive every time they’d ended up in the hospital, but Aaron still hated the place.

He’d be glad to see the back of it after today. 

Parking as close to the entrance as he could get, Aaron grabbed the bag of Robert’s stuff from the backseat, heading inside.

“He’s about ready to run, just so you know.”

He’d gotten to know the nurses on the burns ward over the past few days, recognise the kindly faces. Turning to look at the nurse, he laughed. “I can imagine,” He grinned, the bag slung over his shoulder. “You’ll be glad to be shot of him.”

“And I’m sure you’ll be glad to have him home.”

Understatement of the year. 

Aaron headed into Robert’s hospital room, his husband sitting up in the armchair, waiting to go. He’d managed to pack up most of his stuff already, a few sets of pyjamas folded neatly on the bed. 

“You’re not going home today, you know that?” Aaron said, trying to keep a straight face. 

“Don’t say shit like that, Aaron.”

Aaron snorted. “I wanted to see how you’d react,” He dumped the bag down on the bed, unzipping it. “I brought ya some real clothes. You know, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you wear those tracksuit pants.”

He held up the grey tracksuit bottoms he'd found in their wardrobe, the material soft and unfamiliar. Robert’s face paled as he looked at them, the expression only lasting a second before he shrugged.

“You’re the chav in this relationship.”

“I used to go for the shiny tracksuit bottoms actually, tuck the socks in and all.” Aaron smirked. “Figured you’d be happy with just your runners though.”

“Thanks.” 

Aaron couldn’t help but lean over and press a soft kiss to Robert’s lips, savouring the taste. Robert still smelled like a hospital, he still didn’t quite feel like his husband under his hands, but he was kissing him back.

That was an improvement.

“What was that for?” Robert asked as they broke apart. 

“Just happy you’re coming home.” Aaron shrugged, unpacking a t-shirt and jumper from the bag. 

“I can’t wait to get out of here.” Robert admitted, wincing as he tried to tug his t-shirt over his head.

“Here, let me help.” 

“Aaron, I’m not a child, I can do it myself.”

Aaron raised an eyebrow at Robert’s snappy tone. “I know you’re not a child,” He said. “But those bandages are wrecking your head, so let me help you.”

“I’m sorry.” Robert sighed. “You know I don’t like feeling like I can’t do anything.”

“I know.” Aaron said, pulling Robert’s t-shirt over his head, handing him the clean one. “You’ll be back to normal soon.”

Robert nodded, letting Aaron help him into the jumper. It was strange, doing something like helping Robert dress - they were always better at the whole taking off each others clothes thing.

“You’ve managed to collect some amount of shit while you’ve been here, haven’t ya?” Aaron commented, letting Robert change into his tracksuit bottoms himself. Picking up the iPad and the magazines Robert had been given by Diane on her visits, he shoved them into the bag.

“Mm.”

Robert was unresponsive as Aaron checked the drawers of the bedside locker, scooping up Robert’s toiletries and a bundle of leaflets. Right on top, there was a leaflet for a counsellor in Hotten, one specialising in dealing with traumatic incidents.

One they’d looked into themselves, when Aaron had started private counselling months previously, before Robert had found a counsellor in Manchester that dealt mostly with people who were survivors of child abuse. 

Glancing over his shoulder at Robert, who was slowly getting his trainers on, Aaron folded the leaflet in two, sticking it into the pocket of his hoodie.

He’d bring it up again later. 

“Right then,” Aaron said brightly, stuffing the last of Robert’s stuff into the bag, zipping it shut. “You ready to get out of here?”

“Not until you’ve listened to a bit of a lecture from me,” Amy said, smiling at them both. “I’ve referred you to your local GP to have your leg looked at, those dressings will need to be changed by a nurse once a week for the next few weeks. You’ve got an appointment with the outpatient unit to have your burns looked at in five weeks time, and the doctor will be able to properly assess your leg, and see if you need to have a skin graft.”

They’d been told this a hundred times already, but Aaron still nodded dutifully.

“You’ll need to change the dressings on your shoulder and chest every 3-5 days, and as you know, the skin feeling itchy is a good thing, it means the skin is healing. You’ve got a prescription for a gentle aloe-vera gel you can apply to your shoulder and chest, as well as for a round of antibiotics and some pain killers, but as your doctor explained, it’s only five more days of painkillers. After that, it’s paracetamol if you’re feeling particularly bad, but you should be feeling as close to pain free as you can get in five days time.”

She handed Robert a couple of prescriptions, her tone teasing. “Make sure you rest up, and those burns need to be kept dry, so you’ll have to do some creative showering for now.”

“Thanks.” 

“Take care of yourself, Robert.” 

Aaron nudged Robert’s hand with his own, linking their fingers together tightly. “Pharmacy and home sound good to ya?” 

“No welcome home party?” Robert joked.

“Nah, I figured you’d prefer a couple of days back home before you venture into the madness.” Aaron shrugged. “We could order some food in? Liv’s been wrecking my head, says my cooking isn’t half as good as yours.”

“Its not.” Robert said, his pace slower than usual as he got used to walking with the thick layer of bandages around his upper thigh.

“You’ve not gotten food poisoning yet, have ya?” Aaron smirked.

Robert laughed.

He did, he laughed, and it was the best sound Aaron had heard in days.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“You’re not dead then, eh?” 

Aaron rolled his eyes at Liv’s greeting, standing in the kitchen, making himself and Robert a cup of tea. 

“Not getting rid of me that easily.” Robert responded easily from his position on the couch, sprawled out on the dark grey sofa. The journey home had been a bit uncomfortable for him, Aaron could tell - sitting in the front seat of Aaron’s car wasn’t the most comfortable on his leg, so Aaron had settled his husband on the couch and shoved Netflix on, promising a lazy afternoon.

He watched as Liv gave Robert a brief hug, ruffling Robert’s hair as if he was a child.

“Are we finally going to be eating some decent food then again? I was about to start going around to Chas for my tea every night, the muck he’s been feeding me.” Liv asked, dumping her school bag on the kitchen table.

She’d grown up a lot, over the past year, Aaron noted. Sixteen now, Liv was starting to look more like an adult than a kid, and it was weird, it was weird to think his sister was growing up. 

Aaron kind of wanted her to stay a kid forever.

“Oi! Would you have preferred to starve?” Aaron replied, splashing some milk into their mugs, raising an eyebrow at his sister.

“Might as well have been starving.” Liv replied cheerfully. “Can I go to a party tonight? One of the girls from school, it’s her birthday. She’s said we can stay, lives in Hotten.”

“That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.” Aaron said, settling himself on the couch next to Robert again, passing him his cup of tea. 

“C’mon Aaron, I was grounded last time there was a party on!”  


“You were grounded because you stole my car keys and crashed it into the garden wall.” Aaron said. “You did deserve it.”

“I know.” Liv said, perching herself on the arm of the chair. “But, I promise I’ll be good.”

Robert snorted. “Fat chance of that happening.”

“Y’know, after accidents you’re supposed to be all mellow and contemplative, seeing as ya nearly died.”

“Contemplative? You learning some big new words at school?” Aaron teased, trying to make up for Robert’s complete lack of reaction to Liv’s teasing.

Liv shoved at him, rolling her eyes. “Don’t be a prat. Can I go?”

“Sure. Just don’t forget that you’re helping Paddy out tomorrow, cleaning the surgery with him.”

“Do I have to?”

“Yes.” Aaron confirmed. “You called him a humpty dumpty to his face last week, fairs fair. He needs a hand cleaning the surgery because Rhona’s away, and you need to learn to be less gobby.”

“Robert agrees that he looks like humpty dumpty!” Liv argued.

“Robert should know better. Go on, you can go, but don’t do anything too stupid.”  


“What do you take me for?” Liv sounded incredulous.

“A pain in the arse sixteen year old.” Aaron grinned. “You sticking around for your tea?”

“Nah, Gabby’s mum said she’d drop us into Hotten!” Liv replied, already halfway up the stairs to her bedroom.

Aaron rolled his eyes, turning to look at Robert. “At least I get you all to myself tonight, eh?” He shrugged, leaning over to kiss Robert, brushing his lips against his husband’s softly.

He’d missed this.

He’d missed being able to kiss Robert whenever he wanted, he missed getting to curl up on the couch with him every night. Their marriage was hardly perfect, but they loved each other.

Thats what counted, really.

“I’m happy you’re home,” Aaron breathed, not pulling back much when he ended the kiss. He could study Robert’s face properly from this distance, count the freckles smattered across his nose, look at the half healed cut on his forehead. “You mean the world to me, you know that? I wouldn’t be able to handle it if anything ever happened to you.”

Robert’s breathing hitched in his throat. “Love you,” He murmured, reaching out to brush a thumb across Aaron’s cheekbone, Aaron relaxing into his touch. 

“Good thing you’re invincible, eh?” Aaron grinned. “Robert Sugden, Emmerdale’s answer to Ironman.”

Robert was quiet for a second. “Yeah.”

Aaron couldn’t ignore the pang of worry in his chest. “You can talk to me, if you’re not okay. You know that, yeah?”

“I know.” Robert confirmed. “I’m fine though, really.”

“Are you?” Aaron couldn’t help but not believe a word. He was the master of bottling up his emotions, he could full well recognise when his husband was doing the same thing.

“I will be, I’ve got you, haven’t I?” Robert smiled. “Anyway, you promised me a curry, Dingle. Pay up.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The first time Aaron woke up to an empty bed was a few days later. It was the cold, that had woken him, the duvet carelessly tossed aside, the cool evening air causing goosebumps across his arms and legs. 

Blinking sleepily, Aaron reached across to check the time on his phone. 

3:30am.

Aaron sat up in bed, straining to hear if there was any noise coming from their en-suite bathroom. The room was quiet, however, and he couldn’t see the usual chink of light from under the door, Robert always insisting on turning the light on when he got up to use the toilet, no matter what time it is.

Swinging his legs out of bed, Aaron padded downstairs, seeing the kitchen light on. Robert was leaning against the kitchen counter, a mug in hand.

“It’s half three in the morning, Robert.” Aaron said, the tiles of their kitchen floor cold under his bare feet. 

“Is it?” Robert sounded confused. “Couldn’t sleep.”

“You alright?”

“Yeah.” Robert cradled his mug to his chest, looking exhausted. Aaron couldn’t help but notice the bandages peaking out from underneath the arm of Robert’s t-shirt, from underneath the loose material of his boxer shorts. 

“Robert, talk to me.”

“I nearly died. Didn’t I? I could have died in that fire.” Robert’s voice was shaking as he spoke, his grip iron-tight on the mug.

“But you didn’t.” Aaron said, reaching out to put his hands on Robert’s waist, rubbing gentle circles on his hips over the material of his t-shirt. “You’re here, Robert. You’re home, with me.”

“Yeah.”

“When I woke up in hospital properly, after the crash,” Aaron began, his voice soft. “It felt weird, because I knew how close I had come to dying. I remembered being in that car, and telling you to leave me behind.”

“I don’t remember the fire.” Robert admitted, sounding lost.

“I know.” Aaron nodded. “But it doesn’t mean it’s not allowed to feel weird. But you know how I got past it?”

“How?”

“I talked to you.” Aaron said, smiling softly at him. “Remember? We’d stay up for hours, talking, about the crash, about us. That’s what got me through it, so if you need to talk, if you just need me to be there, you know you can just ask. Even if it is half three in the morning.”

Robert nodded. 

“Is that tea?” 

“No. Hot milk, thought it might help.” 

“Daft.” Aaron said affecteonality, taking the mug from Robert. It was stone cold, fairly indicative of how long Robert had been standing in the kitchen by himself - his icy cold hands were the second clue that Robert had been down there a lot longer than a few minutes.

Flicking the kettle on, Aaron watched the water boil for a few minutes before he splashed some into Robert’s half drunk mug of milk, adding a spoon of sugar to the drink. 

“C’mon, let’s go back to bed.” Aaron grabbed Robert’s hand, pulling him toward the stairs before he could protest. He wasn’t used to being the one doing all this - Robert had years of experience being the one making warm milk at godawful hours of the morning, and tucking him into bed.

Tonight it was his turn. 

Aaron sat and watched as Robert drained the last of the warm milk, waiting for him to set the empty mug down on his bedside locker before he pulled Robert into his chest, holding him close as he tugged their duvet up around them tightly.

Brushing a gentle hand through Robert’s hair, Aaron spoke. “I’ve got you, you know.”

Robert didn’t reply, burying his face in Aaron’s chest in response, his breathing slow, and even.

“I promise,” Aaron continued to speak, both arms wrapped protectively around Robert. “I’ve got you.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

They didn’t really talk about that night. Aaron had given Robert a brief “are you feeling okay this morning?” look before he'd headed to work, needed up at the scrapyard for a few hours.

He’d taken as much time off as he could, all things considered. Pete had been doing his bit, giving them a few hours here and there, but he had his own business to run, and Adam had a new baby to fuss over, so now Robert was home, it was time he started to pull his own weight again.

“Alright love?”

Aaron looked up from the engine he was trying to rip from an old car to see his mum approaching the scrapyard, lunchbox in hand. “Hiya. What are you doing here?”

“Said I’d bring you up some lunch, see how you were doing. I haven’t seen much of you, since Robert got out of hospital. I thought you’d be in for your tea by now,” Chas said, pressing a kiss to Aaron’s cheek.

Aaron pulled off his gloves, accepting the lunchbox gratefully. He’d forgotten to go food shopping, and there had been nothing in the fridge to take for his lunch that morning when he’d gotten up.

He’d have to make a quick pitstop at David’s before he went home, if Robert hadn’t done it already. Aaron sort of doubted his husband had made the short walk over to the shop in the few hours since he’d been gone - Robert had yet to actually leave the house since his release from hospital.

“Do you fancy a brew?” Aaron jerked his head toward the portacabin. “We can catch up.”

“I’d like a cuppa, love.” Chas confirmed, following Aaron to the portacabin. “How is Robert?”

“He’s alright.” Aaron said, busying himself with making tea. “I mean, the burns are healing really well. The nurse said they’re hoping they’ll be able to do a skin graft on his leg, it’ll help with the scarring.”

“That’s good, love.” Chas settled herself in Robert’s desk chair, unzipping her coat. “You don’t sound totally convinced he’s okay.”

“I don’t know how well he’s dealing with it.” Aaron admitted. “I found him downstairs last night, half three in the morning. He was in a right state, didn’t even feel like he was in the room.”

“He’s been through a lot.”

Aaron sighed, passing his mum a cup of tea. “I know. But he’s pretending he’s fine, he keeps telling me that he’s okay, no matter how many times I tell him he can talk to me about it.”

“That’s all you can do, really.” Chas took a sip of her tea. “You always did make the best cup of tea,” She commented, smiling brightly at him.

“Robert says so too.” Aaron slid into his chair, popping open the lunchbox to reveal two thick, doorstop style sandwiches. He hadn’t realised how hungry he was, but his stomach growled as he looked at the food in front of him.

“Have you been taking care of yourself?” Chas asked, watching as he got stuck into one of the sandwiches.

“‘M fine,” Aaron mumbled through a mouthful of bread. “Honestly mum, I’m fine. Liv’s been on her best behaviour lately, so I can focus on Robert.”

“You’ve got to take care of yourself too, love.”

“I’m not going to lose my head because I’m taking care of my husband, mum.” Aaron rolled his eyes. “He needs me right now.”

“I know. But you’re not alone in this either, as long as you know that.”

“I know.” Aaron nodded. ‘I’ll try convince Robert to come for tea in the pub later. I think he could do with seeing everyone, you know? He’s been cooped up in the house since he got out of hospital.”

“Everyone’s been asking after him.” Chas said. “Our Belle even stopped in the other morning, asking about him.”

“He’s finally Mr Popular then.” Aaron grinned. “I just want him to be alright, mum. You know? We’ve been through a lot since we got married, and I just want him to be alright.”

“He’s got you,” Chas gave his hand a squeeze. “And he’s got Vic, and Diane, and me. We’ll have him right as rain in no time, eh?”

Aaron wanted to believe her, he really did, but he couldn’t get the memory of Robert curled in on himself under their duvet that morning, pretending to be asleep before Aaron left for work.

Robert clearly wasn’t okay, and if he didn’t want to talk, Aaron didn’t know what to do, or say, or where to start to make it all better.

Robert had always been better at this sort of thing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Robert! I’m back, you alright?”

“In the kitchen.”

Aaron kicked off his muddy work boots, padding across the wooden floors Robert had spent weeks agonising over in his socks. Robert was standing by the kettle, and Aaron couldn’t help but wrap his arms around Robert’s waist, pressing a kiss between his shoulder blades.

“Hiya,” He breathed softly, hugging Robert from behind for a second longer before he let go, leaning against the counter. “How are you feeling?”  


Robert nodded. “‘M alright. I’ve got that appointment with the GP tomorrow, about my leg.”

“I know, I’ve got Pete to cover the yard for a couple of hours so I can drive you.”

“You don’t have to do that.” Robert seemed surprised. 

“I know, I want to. You’re probably best off not driving just yet anyway, might hurt your leg or summat.” Aaron happily accepted the cup of tea that Robert offered him. “I was thinking, we could go over to the pub for tea tonight. I’ve not done any shopping, so there’s fuck all in the fridge.”

Robert didn’t look took excited. “The pub?”

“You’ve got to leave the house at some point, Robert.” Aaron shrugged. “You’ve been cooped up in here since you got out of the hospital, you need to get some fresh air.”

“I don’t know.”

“I know it’ll be weird to see people, after everything.” Aaron reassured. “But everyone’s asking after you, and Marlon’s making your favourite, fish pie.”

Robert glanced down at the thick white bandages that were clearly visible, poking out from the neck of his t-shirt. “I….” He trailed off. “I’m not feeling up to it, Aaron.”

“Come on, it’ll be fun. Liv’ll lose her mind if she has to eat that lasagne from a packet again.”

“It’s disgusting.” Robert confirmed.

“So, the pub then?” Aaron nudged. “I’d murder a proper pint. And you can drink now, you’re finished those antibiotics.”

Robert didn’t seem too enthused at the idea, but he nodded. “I’ll get changed then, shall I?”

“Mm, I don’t know, I like seeing you walk around the place in those shorts.” Aaron smirked, giving Robert an expectant look, tilting his head slightly. It was a move that usually got him a proper snog off his husband, but Robert didn’t react. 

“I’ve got to wear tracksuit bottoms, my trousers don’t fit over these bandages.” Robert said quietly, looking down at his leg.

“Your arse looks great in anything.” Aaron shrugged. “Liv home?”

Robert shook his head. “She came back to get changed, said she’s gone to Gabby’s.”

“I’ll text and see if she wants food.” Aaron rooted for his phone in the pocket of his hoodie, glancing at Robert. “Go on, get dressed. I’ve been working all day, you lazy git, I’m starving.”

Robert nodded, slowly walking toward the stairs.

Aaron couldn’t ignore the knot of worry in his stomach as he waited for Robert to get ready, Liv texting back that she’d meet them in the pub in a few minutes. It was strange, for Robert to be so willing to just stay in all the time.

Robert was always badgering him to go out to Hotten for dinner, eager for them to go out and do something more interesting than sit at home, or in the pub. 

He glanced up as Robert reentered the kitchen, dressed in a pair of dark navy tracksuit bottoms and a grey jumper. Aaron had gone into the sports shop in Hotten a few days previously, when Robert had gotten annoyed at wearing the same old pair of grey tracksuit bottoms every single day.

“You look good.”

Robert rolled his eyes. “Shut up.”

“You do.” Aaron shrugged. “‘M allowed to say if my husband looks gorgeous, aren’t I?” 

Robert hunched his shoulders, not responding.

Sighing, Aaron lifted Robert’s chin, kissing him softly. “I missed you, today.” He admitted. “I’ve gotten used to you working across from me at the yard.”

“I’m a good distraction, aren’t I?”

That was more like Robert.

“Don’t get too big a head.” Aaron grinned, shoving his feet into a pair of trainers he’d left by the door. It was a warm evening, Aaron happy he’d managed to get Robert out of the house. 

Robert didn’t exactly look like he was enjoying the walk to the pub, so Aaron reached for his hand, ignoring Robert’s confused look as he intertwined their fingers tightly. They were hardly ones for walking through the village arm in arm, but Aaron knew when Robert needed something, and he needed a bit of support there and then.

“Robert Sugden, aren't you a sight for sore eyes?” Chas beamed at her son-in-law, a bundle of glasses in hand. “Sit down, I’ll bring you two over a pint.”

“Thanks mum.” Aaron said, sliding into their usual booth in the corner of the Woolpack. He watched as Robert eased himself into the seat opposite, looking a shadow of his normal self.

“You’re looking better,” Chas commented, setting two pints down in front of them. “And you look like you could do with a drink, so bottoms up, eh?”

Robert tried to smile. “Thanks, Chas.”

“A fish pie and a cheeseburger, I assume?”

“Make it two cheeseburgers, mum, Liv’s on her way over.” Aaron said, taking a sip of his pint. It had felt like an age since they’d sat in the pub, a usually weekly tradition of theirs.

The pub was always going to be _their_ place, Aaron thought to himself as he drank. They’d lived there for so long, they’d even gotten married there, for godssake. It was good to be back.

“You alright?” Aaron asked, watching as Robert took a slug of his drink.

“Can you stop asking me that?” Robert sounded exasperated. 

“Sorry for trying to make conversation, eh?” Aaron rolled his eyes. 

Robert sighed. “Sorry, I just.. It’s weird, being here.”

“Why?”  


“Because I feel like everyone’s looking at me.” Robert rubbed an uncomfortable hand across his neck, his fingers brushing over the thick bandages that the neck of his jumper didn’t come up high enough to hide.

“No one’s looking at you.” Aaron said. “Honestly. I think Tracey’s more distracted by Finn’s new boyfriend, you’re not interesting anymore. Boring and married, you.”

Robert nodded. “Okay.”

“Okay?” Aaron raised an eyebrow. “Robert, are you sure you’re alright? You’ve not been yourself lately, and you’re worrying me.”

“I nearly died in a fire, what do you expect?”

“You to talk to me?” Aaron lowered his voice. “You’re not on your own, Robert.”

“It’s not like you ever believed that, did ya?” Robert replied, shaking his head. “I can’t do this. I’m going home.”

“Robert, wait -“

“I’m going home.” Robert interrupted, standing up. Aaron watched as Robert walked slowly out of the pub, his shoulders hunched over. 

“Where’s Robert gone?” Chas sounded confused, sliding into Robert’s recently vacated seat. 

“Home.” Aaron sighed. “He’s not coping, mum.” 

“It’ll take time, love.” Chas shook her head.

“It’s more than that.” Aaron shook his head. “There’s something seriously wrong with him, and I don’t know how to help.”

“You’re just going to have to wait for him to be ready to be talk about it.” Chas said. “You were always the same, Aaron. He’ll talk in his own time, when he’s ready to. You’re just going to have to wait it out.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Aaron had decided to eat in the pub, even after Robert left. He was starving, and Liv needed to eat - and anyway, maybe if he had some time to think, Robert might actually be willing to talk to him. 

“Aaron!” 

Aaron looked up from his third pint of the evening, raising an eyebrow at Rebecca’s flustered appearance. “What?”

“It’s Robert, I don’t know what’s wrong with him. I was walking past the B&B, and he’s just standing there, it’s like he can’t hear me.” Rebecca could barely get the words out, clearly worried. 

Aaron immediately stood up, rushing for the exit. He sprinted toward the B&B, the building still cordoned off by the fire brigade, waiting for the insurance company to make their verdict on what had caused the fire.

Robert was standing in front of it, his gaze firmly fixed on the burnt out building. He was visibly shaking, and as Aaron got closer, he could see tears running down his cheeks.

“Robert?” Aaron called out gently, not wanting to shock him. “Robert, hey - it’s me, it’s Aaron.”

Robert didn’t move.

“Robert? It’s alright, it’s me.” Aaron moved to stand in front of Robert, trying to block his view of the burnt out building. “Hey, you okay?”

Robert was sobbing. He was frozen in place, and he was _sobbing_.

“The fire.” Robert managed to choke out. “The fire, it started when I was having lunch with Diane, and she - Tracey was still inside, so I went back, I turned back to see if she needed help.”

“It’s alright, it’s over, the fire’s over, Robert.”

“The kitchen exploded. I was standing next to it and the kitchen exploded. It was hot, god, Aaron, it was so hot, it was awful, I could feel my skin burning, I could smell it.” Robert choked out. “It h-hurt, it hurt so much, Aaron.”

“I know, I know.” Aaron reached out, a gentle hand on Robert’s arm. “But it’s over, Robert. You’re okay, you’re getting better - you’re at home.”

“I didn’t want to die.” Robert sobbed, crumpling in on himself. “I don’t want to die.”

“Come here, come here.” Aaron pulled him into a hug, trying to support the dead weight that Robert had suddenly become. “You’re okay, Robert. I swear, you’re okay. You’re not dead, you got out.”

Robert couldn’t reply, crying hysterically into the shoulder of Aaron’s jumper.

He didn’t know how long they stood there, in front of the ruins of the B&B. Aaron felt like it was hours, but it was probably more like ten minutes before Robert managed to cry himself out, not putting up a fight as Aaron led him home.

He looked exhausted, as Aaron got him inside the house. “We need to talk, Robert.” Aaron said quietly.

“N-no, I don’t want to, I don’t want to -“

Aaron knew Robert was panicking. “Okay, okay. We won’t talk, okay?” 

Robert was crying again, sliding down the wall of their hallway, hugging his legs to his chest. 

Aaron didn’t know what to do, or say, his heart breaking as he listened to Robert cry his heart out, the noise echoing throughout their quiet house. Sitting down next to him, Aaron reached out and wrapped his arms around Robert.

Robert was stiff and unyielding against his body as Aaron held him tightly, starting to hyperventilate as he cried, his entire body shaking with sobs. 

Aaron held him close, rubbing slow circles across Robert’s back.

He’d just let him cry.

Maybe that would help.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Robert had pretended to be asleep when Aaron had gotten up the next morning, needing to go to the scrapyard for a delivery. One delivery had turned into an entire morning stuck up at the yard, and it was nearly four o’clock when Aaron managed to escape to go home, leaving Adam to finish up the days work.

“Robert?” Aaron called out, kicking off his work boots, tossing his keys into the bowl on the hall table. “Are you up?”

“I’m making food.” Robert replied, sounding oddly bright. He was dressed, wearing a neatly ironed t-shirt with his tracksuit bottoms, looking decidedly less exhausted and grubby than he had been the past few days.

“Can we talk?”  


“What about?” Robert asked. “I’ve made your favourite, by the way. Amazing what happens when you do an online order with Tesco, eh? They actually bring food to your house so you don’t all starve.”

Aaron raised an eyebrow. Last night, Robert had spent hours crying his eyes out on the floor of their hallway, and all of a sudden, he was.. fine? Back to his normal sarky self, cooking dinner and cracking jokes.

“Robert, you had a breakdown last night.” Aaron decided beating about the bush wasn’t going to be the most effective way of getting Robert to talk. He watched as Robert’s grip on the pan tightened, his knuckles going white.

“It was a blip, I was just tired.” Robert shrugged it off. “I’m fine, Aaron.”

“Oh yeah, because people who are fine definitely storm out of the pub because they’re paranoid people were looking at them, and then go have a meltdown in the middle of the village.” Aaron snapped, sarcastic. “Stop pretending you’re fine, Robert, because you’re clearly not, and I’m not stupid.”

Robert turned off the gas, turning to look at Aaron. “What do you want me to say, Aaron? That it’s freaked me out, almost dying? I don’t think you’re supposed to be fine after that.”

“Then why have you been pretending you’re fine?” Aaron asked. “Robert, you told that mental health nurse that you’ve never felt better, but you haven’t been yourself since the fire, and I’ve noticed.”

Robert’s eyes narrowed. “Oh, because you’re the expert, aren’t you?” 

“I know when someones bottling something up.” Aaron said. “Come on, Robert, talk to me.”

“What about, eh? What do you want to talk about?”

“About how you’re feeling, about how you’re coping!” Aaron replied, unable to hide his frustration now. “You’re being ridiculous. Why can’t you just talk to me?”

“Because I don’t want to.” Robert exploded. “I don’t want to talk to you, because you’re not going to understand.”

“What?”  


“Every time you’ve nearly died, you’ve done it to yourself. I didn’t, I didn’t want this.”

“Robert, that is not fair.” 

“No, whats not fair is you constantly pushing me to talk when I clearly don’t want to. I never did that with you, did I?” Robert’s tone was nasty, now, bitter and angry.

“And where did that get us, eh?”

“Are you worried I’ll pull a you on it, and batter some poor unsuspecting kid?” Robert said, stepping closer to Aaron. “Maybe we should make it a yearly thing, once of us being in prison. Make it a tradition.”

“You’re being ridiculous.” Aaron shook his head. “I just want to help you, Robert.”

“What makes you think you could help?” 

“I’m your husband, Robert. It’s what I’m supposed to do.” 

“Are you going to be able to stop all the nightmares? Can you go back in time and make sure my mum doesn’t die in a fire? because thats the only thing that would help me right now.” 

Aaron stepped back, Robert’s demeanour worrying. “Is this about your mum?”

Robert laughed, a hollow, bitter laugh that made Aaron sick to his stomach. “Wow. A year of therapy and you think you’re a therapist, how about that?”

“I don’t think I’m owt.” Aaron replied, feeling his own anger bubble in his chest. “Don’t take this out on me.”

“Why, because you won’t be able to handle it? Poor Aaron, always a bit too fragile, can’t cope with anything.” Robert spat. “Maybe you could step up and try and be there for me for once, and stop making our entire lives revolve around you.”

“Don’t speak to me like that.”

“Why not? It’s not like you haven’t said worse to me over the years.”

“I have been there for you since the fire happened, Robert. I sat at your bedside for two days, waiting for you to talk to me, but I didn’t push. I didn’t push for you to talk, I was going to wait until you were ready. But you had a breakdown last night, Robert, and you need professional help. There’s something wrong.”

“Well, we’ll make a right pair then, won’t we? Messed up Aaron Dingle and his equally as messed up husband. Emmerdale’s _mad_ , gay couple.”

“Robert, would you listen to yourself? You’re being insane.” 

“Well, I’m finally on your level, aren’t I?”

Aaron shook his head. “I want my husband back, Robert,” He couldn’t hide the hurt from his voice. “I know you’ve been through hell, but you can talk to me. I’m here for you, and I’ve been here for you since the fire happened, and I don’t know how else to help you.”

“Now you know how it feels.” Robert said bitterly. 

“What?”

“You refused to talk to me for so long, you ended up serving time on a GBH charge and I spent the first three months of our marriage living with your mother.” Robert’s words were bitter, poisonous. “Leave me alone, Aaron.”

“You know what? Fine. I’m going to stay at the pub tonight, and you can do what you like.” Aaron snarled. “And if you think anything thats happened to you gives you the right to speak to me like you just did tonight, you’ve got another thing coming. I did everything I could to get past what was going on in my head, and you know that as well as I do. You’re the one who’s refusing help, even when it’s been offered to you a hundred times over.”

His heart pounding, Aaron headed for the door, shoving his work boots back on. He was furious, absolutely furious as he stalked across the village, tears pricking at the corners of his eyes.

Robert’s words had hurt. That had always been one of the more horrible parts of their relationship, they always knew how to hurt each other, what to say to make the other hurt the most. 

It was something they’d been working on, but when they fought like this, when they were both angry and desperate, they flung accusations and harsh words at each other like it was second nature, and Aaron hated it.

Robert was the person he loved most in the world, and Aaron hated hearing him talk like that, talk like that to him. 

He wasn’t lying, though.

Aaron just wanted his husband back, and he didn’t know how to go about it. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> apologies for the delay in updating this - it was a bit of mammoth one to edit, and i've had a lot of uni work to get on top of (final year, yay!) 
> 
> i hope the length of this chapter makes up for the wait.


	5. v. therapy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a slight note here - this chapter contains some unhealthy uses of alcohol and sleeping pills.

Robert’s heart was racing as Aaron slammed out of the house, leaving Robert alone, a half cooked dinner on the stove.

Why had he said all that?

Why had he been so cruel?

What was _wrong_ with him?

Robert felt panic rising in his chest, and he forced himself to take a few deep breaths, leaning against the kitchen counter. 

He stood there for a few minutes, waiting until his heart had slowed down slightly, and then the frustration kicked in, and he couldn’t stop himself, grabbing the closest thing to him and firing it at the wall. 

The plate shattered with an almighty crash, white china all over their kitchen floor.

What was _wrong_ with him?

Aaron didn’t deserve that.

Aaron didn’t deserve any of that.

Why couldn’t he just talk to him, like any normal person would have?

Robert hated that his first reaction was always to cause hurt. He knew how to hurt Aaron, he always had. He knew how to say the things that would hurt his husband the most, cause the most heartache, and God, what had made him say all that?

Aaron.

His Aaron.

His brave, brilliant Aaron was never going to want to see him again, not after all that.

Robert’s mind was racing as he stood in the kitchen.

What was he going to do?

Maybe - maybe if he went to the pub, he could talk to Aaron.

But that would mean leaving the house. 

Robert wasn't sure he could do that.

Robert wasn’t sure he could even move from where he was standing at the cooker, his fingers digging into his palms. 

He was scared.

Scared of moving from where he stood, scared of what was going on inside his own head, scared of everything. 

Robert was fucking terrified and he’d just made the one person that could help, leave. 

What was he going to do?

Robert’s hands were shaking as he looked around the kitchen, swallowing thickly. He hadn’t been alone since the fire, not really - Aaron being at work during the day didn’t really count, because Robert knew he would be home at five or six, and he’d made all the white noise in Robert’s head go away.

Even Liv.

Liv and her endless stories about how much she hated school, about Gabby, they’d helped. She’d arrive in the door at 4pm, eat all his biscuits, drink his tea, then make them both a new one and she’d sit and watch shitty daytime telly with him, and Robert would be able to forget.

He’d be able to forget the nightmares, forget the images that would flash across his mind every time he glanced at their empty fireplace, he’d be able to forget the way Tracey’s screams echoed in his mind every time he was left sitting in the quiet for more than a second.

He’d be able to forget.

Now he couldn’t.

It was quiet, too quiet, and Robert reached out with shaking hands, and he turned the radio one. Noise would help, it would have to help - the tinny tones of their kitchen radio filled the kitchen, music blaring.

He stood for a few minutes, hoping his panic would ease.

The music didn’t help.

The music didn’t stop the house from being empty. 

Robert looked around desperately, spotting the washing machine Aaron had forgotten to turn on. It had made more noise than necessary from the day they’d bought it, the thunderous clanking annoying them all to no end.

He’d turn that on, that would help.

The house was noisy now, as Robert sat down at the kitchen table, dinner half cooked and forgotten about.

It didn’t help.

It didn’t help, none of it was helping. Robert felt sick, sick to his stomach at the way he’d spoken to Aaron, the things he’d said. 

Aaron didn’t deserve that.

Robert hated himself.

He’d always hated himself, in some capacity or another. He’d never been a good enough son, a good enough brother, a good enough boyfriend. He’d never been a good enough husband, or business partner.

He’d never been good enough, and now he'd just proven it. Aaron would be at the pub now, telling Chas all about how she’d been right, all along, that Robert wasn’t good enough for her son, that he’d never been good enough for him, that people didn’t change and Robert would never be anything but Jack Sugden’s disappointment of a son.

Maybe a drink would settle his nerves. 

So what if it was only 4pm? 

Robert stood up, heading for the cupboard he and Aaron had alcohol stashed in, out of Liv’s sight, behind a load of random fabric conditioner bottles and washing powder. Spotting a half drunk bottle of whiskey, Robert grabbed it, heading for the stairs. 

Upstairs would be better, he decided, because it was smaller. He’d feel less alone there. 

Robert slammed their bedroom door behind him, chest heaving. He couldn’t stop thinking about Aaron, about how much he’d messed things up, and Robert was desperate for it all to stop when he tipped the bottle of whiskey back, the bitter burn of the liquid a welcome relief from the ache in his chest.

He was awful.

Robert Sugden was a genuinely awful person.

That’s all there was to it, really.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“ _ROBERT! ROBERT, THE KITCHEN -“_

_“You killed her.”_

_“ROBERT!”_

_“You killed my Katie.”_

_“I hate ya.”_

_“Get out of my house, and get out of my life.”_

 

 

Robert woke with a dull, throbbing ache in his head, his throat dry and scratchy as he looked around, bleary eyed. A quick check of the clock on his bedside locker told him it was only midnight, and Robert groaned.

He’d hoped he’d sleep through until morning, but the whiskey hadn’t done it’s job, hadn’t stopped the nightmares. Robert eyed up the empty bottle, his vision swimming. 

“Aaron?” He called out, hopeful.

Silence.

Robert eased himself out of bed, unsteady on his legs as he made his way downstairs, heading for the fridge. He knew there was six pack of cans there, ones Aaron had bought a few days earlier.

Maybe more alcohol would help. 

Robert just wanted to sleep. He just wanted to sleep, for more than a few hours, without waking up because of one nightmare or another. 

They were getting worse, the nightmares.

They were about more than the fire now.

Robert shakily mad this way upstairs, back toward their bedroom. He felt safer there, at least, he could almost pretend that Aaron was there.

Aaron.

God, he loved Aaron so much. Robert loved Aaron more than he’d ever loved anyone in his entire life, loved every single thing about his husband, and he missed him. It had only been a few hours, but he missed him.

He missed him so much.

Cracking open one of the cans, Robert rooted around for his phone, finding it stashed underneath the duvet covers. 

No new messages.

Robert stifled a sob, unlocking the phone and going into his photo album. He liked taking photos, he really did - he’d taken so many since he and Aaron had gotten together, photos from their trip to Wales, from their weekends away and random afternoons in the Woolpack.

Photos from when they’d moved into the Mill, from days spent in Ikea buying house decorations and furniture, photos from quiet afternoons in bed. Some of the more recent ones were his favourites, ones from before the fire. 

Aaron was in such a good place. It had taken so long, but he was - he was coping well with everything, he’d gone through nearly a year of weekly therapy to try and get his head in order. 

Robert had taken the photo when they'd gone for a drive on an unusually sunny afternoon, Aaron skipping stones across a small stream, somewhere between Leeds and Hotten. 

He was wearing a beanie hat tugged down over his ears, a jumper Robert recognised as his own peaking out from underneath Aaron’s black puffy jacket. It was spring in Yorkshire, so it had been cold.

Cold, sunny, and one of the best days of his life. They’d gone for a pub lunch in some tiny, picturesque village, strolled around hand in hand, talking laughing and feeling free, and _happy._

It had felt like their entire future was stretched in front of them that day, like some infinitely long blissful day. Aaron looked happy, in that picture - the happiest he’d been in a long time.

Robert couldn’t get the image of Aaron’s confused, hurt face out of his mind as he cracked open another can, chugging back the icy cold liquid. He shouldn’t be drinking this much, he knew he shouldn’t be.

He probably still had painkillers in his system, even if he’d forgotten to take any that evening. But as he continued to flick through his photos, he couldn’t stop - happy selfies and blurry pictures of them in bed together, Aaron’s face buried in his neck as Robert pestered him to take a photo, all only making him feel worse.

Then he found the video. 

 

“ _Robert, what are you doing?” Aaron asked, snorting as he looked into the camera on Robert’s phone. “I know you’re mad to make a sex tape, but knowing you, you’ll accidentally post it online or summat.”_

_“I’m commemorating this moment!”_

_“What’s so special about today?”_

_“It’s a year to the day since we got engaged.” Robert’s face came into view, settling down on the pillow next to Aaron, his blonde hair a stark contrast to Aaron’s dark features._

_“Is it?” Aaron feigned ignorance._

_“What, you don’t have the date your life was changed for the better tattooed on your arse or something?”_

_Aaron snorted. “You’re an idiot.”_

_“An idiot you married.”_

_“Can’t remember why.”_

_Robert smirked. “I can help you remember why,” he said, leaning in to kiss Aaron, the embrace getting hot and heavy fairly quickly._

_“Robert - your phone.”_

_“What?”_

_Aaron’s voice was raspy, thick with desire. “Get rid of your phone.”_

 

Robert choked back a sob as the video came to an end, clutching his phone to his chest. He was never going to sleep, not now, and Robert was _exhausted_.

Struggling to his feet, Robert padded into their ensuite, rooting in their bathroom cupboard for the sleeping pills he knew Aaron had in there. He’d been prescribed them after he got out of prison, to help ease the panic attacks he was having. 

Aaron had never come to rely on them too much, but he’d never gotten rid of them, just in case.

The words printed on the label swam as Robert tried to focus his eyes. He couldn’t remember how many you were supposed to take, but two sounded like a good number.

Robert upended the bottle into his hand, a few of the bright white pills in his palm. He tossed them back, washing the sleeping pills down with the dregs of the can he had in his hand.

The room immediately started to spin, Robert relieved.

Maybe he’d get a decent sleep now.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

_“Robert! Robert, you need to wake up.”_

_“Robert, please.”_

“ROBERT!”

Robert’s head was aching as he woke up, surprised by how cold the bed was. How _hard_ the bed was. 

How not a bed, the bed was.

“Robert, please. Can you open your eyes for me?”

Robert’s head was swimming as he opened his eyes, coming face to face with Aaron.

Aaron.

“I’m s-sorry.” Robert sobbed out, stinging pains in his arms as he tried to get up. “I’m so sorry.”

“What happened, Robert?” Aaron begged. “What did you do?”

“I don’t - I don’t know.” Robert struggled to sit up, looking at his arms. Blood was running in rivers down his forearms, glass embedded in his skin. “I took some of your sleeping pills.”

“After _alcohol_? Robert, you bloody idiot, you know how strong those are.” Aaron looked terrified. 

“Why am I bleeding?” Robert couldn’t hide the confusion from his voice. 

“The shower door is smashed, Robert. You must have blacked out, or something.”

Robert looked around the bathroom, taking in the chaos around him. The heavy glass door of the shower was shattered, glass everywhere, the heavy metal toilet brush he’d insisted on buying carelessly thrown inside the shower.

His weapon of choice, by the looks of it.

Stuff from the cupboards was everywhere, shower gel and shampoo all over the floor, a smashed bottle of cough bottle staining their pristine white sink an odd shade of red. 

What had he done?

“I need to get you to hospital, Robert.” Aaron said, helping Robert up, guiding him to the closed lid of the toilet. “There’s glass stuck in your arms, you need to see a doctor.”  


“Why are you here?”

“The GP rang me, you didn’t turn up for your appointment with the nurse. I was worried,” Aaron picked up a wad of tissue, mopping at some of the dried blood on Robert’s face. 

“I just wanted to sleep.” Robert admitted, tears welling up in his eyes. “The nightmares won’t stop, Aaron.”

“You should have told me, Robert.” Aaron sighed, wrapping a towel around Robert’s forearms. “I need to take you to hospital,” he repeated. 

“No. N-no, you can’t - Aaron, what if they won’t let me leave? What if they think I’m m-mad?” Robert couldn’t stop now he’d started crying, tears streaming down his cheeks. 

“Hey, hey they won’t. I won’t let them, I promise ya.” Aaron’s hands were gentle on his face. “But you’ve got glass in your arms, and you missed the appointment to get your burns redressed. You need to go to the hospital.”

“I don’t w-want to.”

“Hey, listen to me Robert. You need help.” Aaron said. “If last night hasn’t showed you that, I don’t know what will.”

“I k-know. But I can’t get stuck in hospital, not again. I’ll lose it, Aaron.” Robert was terrified now, terrified of getting told he wouldn’t be allowed to go home. “I’ll get help, I promise.”  


Aaron sighed. “Okay. But you still need to go to the hospital.”

“Aaron -“

“Don’t argue with me, Robert.” Aaron interrupted. “Do you want to have all these cuts get infected?”

“No.” 

“Exactly. So, we’re going to go to the hospital, and get these seen to.” Aaron said. “But before we go, I’m going to ring that counsellor they gave you a number for, yeah? And you’re going to tell them that you need an appointment, quick as possible.”

“Okay.” Robert watched as Aaron disappeared for a second, returning with the business card for the counsellor that he’d been given by the mental health nurse, and his mobile.

Aaron sat on the edge of their bath, dialling the number. 

Robert could hear the dial tone from where he was sitting, and he couldn’t stop the shake of his hands as Aaron held out the phone for him to take. “I don’t -“

Aaron held the phone against his ear. “Go on.”

_“Hello, Dr Thompson’s office. How can I help you?”_

“I, uh - I need to make an appointment to see Dr Thompson.” Robert began, his voice unsteady. “I was given his details when I was in hospital, after I got caught up in a fire.”

_“Can I have your name please?”_

“Robert Sugden.” 

_“And your address?”_

“Uh, The Mill, Emmerdale.” Robert felt tears running down his face. 

_“I can fit you in for an appointment in three weeks, Robert?”_

“Do you have anything sooner?” Robert knew he sounded as bad as he felt now. “It’s just that - I’ve been ignoring this for a while now, and I don’t - I’m not sleeping, I’m having nightmares.”

“ _I’ll put you on a cancellation list, Robert, and I’ll do my best to get you seen to as soon as possible. If you start to worsen over the next few days, I would recommend that you try and be seen by a member of the mental health unit.”_

“Okay.”

_“I will do my best to have you seen to sooner, Robert.”_

“Thank you.” Robert said, nodding at Aaron that he could hang up now. 

“What did they say?”

“Three weeks away is the earliest appointment she’s got, but she’s put me on a cancellation list.” Robert hated how his lip wobbled, how emotional he felt. 

“The first step is always the hardest. Remember? You told me that.”  


“I think I googled it.” Robert admitted, enjoying the laugh he got from Aaron. “God, Aaron, I am so sorry about everything I said yesterday. You should hate me.”

“I should.” Aaron confirmed. “But I don’t, because I’ve been here before, haven’t I? I know what happens when you bottle things up, and at least you just took it out on me. I took it out on someone else’s face.”

“I shouldn’t take anything out on you."

“No.” Aaron agreed. “You shouldn’t. And you can apologise for it properly when you’re better, Robert, but right now, I need to get you to a hospital and sort your arms out.”

“What about the shower?” Robert glanced over toward the almighty mess that was their ensuite shower. 

“What about it?” Aaron shrugged. “We can get a new one. Come on, let’s go.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Hi, how can I help?”

“It’s my husband.” Robert watched as Aaron’s gaze flickered toward him. “There was an accident, at home - our shower door exploded, there’s glass in his arms. He was in, a few weeks ago, he was badly burned in a fire. I was worried, so I brought him in.”

“Okay, whats his name please?”

“Robert Sugden.” 

The nurse nodded. “I’ll have someone come over and take a look, but it might be a long wait I’m afraid, we’re understaffed and very busy today.”

Robert felt his heart pound out of his chest. A long wait was the last thing he wanted, especially in a hospital. He watched as Aaron sat down next to him, taking one of Robert’s hands in his own.

“”M sorry.” 

“Stop apologising, Robert.” Aaron sighed.

“You knew something was wrong. Should’ve told you.”

“You should have, but it’s not like I’m going to be angry with you when you’re in this state.” 

Robert felt tears well up in his eyes again. “I hate being like this.”

“You don’t have to be the strong one all the time, Robert. The whole point of marriage is the two of us taking on everything together, good and bad. What did you think was going to happen if you told me you were struggling?”

“Dunno.” 

“This is a lot more than just the fire, isn’t it?”

Robert nodded, his stomach churning as he admitted it out-loud for the first time. “Yeah, I think it is.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

They’d been in the hospital for hours. 

Robert was exhausted, slightly surprised when Aaron had ordered him to lie down across the plastic waiting room chairs, settling Robert’s head in his lap. It had helped, lying with his head on Aaron’s thigh, Aaron’s hand in his hair, and Robert had nearly felt like he could sleep, if it wasn’t for the noise of accident and emergency.

Aaron’s hand didn’t let up, stroking small circles across his forehead, through his hair. 

“Robert Sugden?”  


“Yeah?” Aaron replied for them both.

“Sorry for the wait, it’s been a hectic day. Could you follow me please?”

Robert eased himself out of his lying down position, following the nurse down the hallway, Aaron right behind him. 

“An accident with the shower door, I hear?” The nurse asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Yeah.” Robert nodded, letting Aaron help him peel off the hoodie he was wearing, looking down at his scratched up forearms, the glass embedded in his skin. “I’ve been out of work, the past couple of weeks. Bored out of my mind, so I decided I’d clean the shower. Heap of junk at the best of times anyway, but the glass shattered.”

“The cut’s don't look deep.” The nurse said. “I’ll get about removing the glass, we’ll clean them up and see if you need stitches. Okay?”

Robert nodded, reaching for Aaron’s hand as the nurse set about taking the glass out of his left arm. If Aaron was surprised, he didn’t let on, letting Robert squeeze his hand tightly as the nurse worked to clear the shards of glass.

Eventually she got it all out, and after a few minutes of her cleaning up the dried blood, she gave him a bright smile.

“You won’t need stitches.” She said. “Now, your husband mentioned that you missed an appointment with your GP to have your burns redressed this morning.”

Robert nodded. “I can do the ones on my shoulder, but they’ve told me not to go at the ones on my leg.”

The nurse nodded. “Third degree burns across your left upper thigh. I’m going to go and grab a doctor, and we’ll take a quick look, get them redressed, and we’ll have you out of here in time for tea.”

Robert nodded again, watching as the nurse pulled the curtain behind her, leaving them to their own devices again.

Robert let Aaron pull him close, pressing his face into the soft material of Aaron’s hoodie. “I want to go home,” He admitted quietly. “I want to go home and be with you.”

“You’ve got to get your leg looked at, Rob.”

“Robert,” A familiar voice said, interrupting them mid-conversation. “I was hoping we wouldn’t see you back here just yet.”

Robert gave Niall a weak smile. “Had an accident with a shower door.”

Niall nodded. “Emma said it wasn’t anything serious. Let’s have a look at your leg then.”

Robert shimmed out of his tracksuit pants, closing his eyes as Niall undressed the burns on his leg.

He didn’t want to look at them anymore.

“They’re healing well, Robert.” Niall reassured. “I think we’ll be able to schedule you in for a skin graft in another couple of weeks. Provided you don’t miss any more appointments with your GP, these are serious burns, Robert.”

“Stupid mistake.”

“How are you otherwise, Robert?”

Robert swallowed nervously. “I’m not great,” He admitted. “But I’ve made an appointment to see Dr Thompson, the mental health gave me their number.”

“Thats good, Robert. There’s no shame in admitting you need help.” Niall offered a kindly smile. “I’ll have a nurse redress those burns, and get the paperwork started to get you out of here.”

“Thank you.”

“Take care of yourself Robert, please.”

Robert nodded.

He’d try.

This time, he’d definitely try.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It was exactly five days after his initial phonecall when Dr Thompson’s receptionist called, and seven days after his phonecall when he was sitting in the doctor’s office, about to start his first session.

Robert had nearly backed out on it twice that morning alone, Aaron steering him into the car with a firm hand, driving him to the appointment.

He’d pretended like he wasn’t going to sit outside in his car the entire time, claiming he was going to go and get a coffee, but Robert knew that if he looked out the window right now, he’d see Aaron sitting in his car, flicking through his phone and waiting patiently. 

“Sit down, Robert, make yourself comfortable.”

Robert gave a nervous laugh. “I’m not sure I’m going to be able to get comfortable,” he admitted, sitting down in a chair. “I don’t - it wasn’t exactly easy for me to make this appointment.”

“But you made that first step, that’s the important thing.” 

The therapist was younger than Robert had thought he would be, Dr Thompson maybe forty at the most. He didn’t really know what he’d expected - maybe someone more like the kindly woman Aaron still saw twice a month in Manchester.

“Tell me in your own words why you’re here, Robert.”

Robert looked down at his hands, thinking about the scratches and cuts that were hidden by his jumper, the thick bandages still underneath the lose trousers he was wearing.

“I got caught in a fire.” Robert began. “I could have died, and it’s freaked me out, I suppose.”

“And thats why you’ve decided to get help?”

Robert shook his head. “I think I’ve needed the help for a long time now, actually.”

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> apologies for the slight delay again, it's just been one of those weekends! hope you enjoyed this chapter.
> 
> as always, i'm robertsuggles over on tumblr if you fancy a chat about emmerdale.


	6. vi. aaron

“My mother died in a fire.” Robert admitted, looking at Dr Thompson. 

Mark, he was supposed to call him Mark.

Robert let out a shaky breath. “Well, she wasn’t my mother. My real mother died when I was a baby, but Sarah - Sarah was my mum. She was the one that raised me. I loved her, I loved her so much, and when her and my dad split up, I wanted to live with her.”

“But you couldn’t?”

“Dad wouldn’t let me.” Robert confirmed, thinking back. “I was fourteen, when she died. She got stuck inside a barn, when it went on fire - burned to death.”

“Did you have any counselling, after your mother died?”

Robert snorted. “My dad wasn’t the type to believe in counselling, and by the end he’d hated my mums guts anyway. We just had to buck up and get on with it, there was a farm to run.”

Mark gave him a kindly smile. “Tell me about your mum.”

Robert smiled as he thought about Sarah, the fantastic woman who had raised him. “She was the best, my mum. She always made me feel like I was worth something, that I was a good person. I wasn’t an easy kid to deal with, but she never made me feel like I was too much to deal with, like I wasn’t worth the hassle.”

He clenched his hands tightly. “I don’t talk about her.”

“Why is that?”

“Because it’s hard.” Robert admitted, blinking back tears. “It’s hard because she should still be here. I should still have a mum, you know? She wasn’t old, or sick, she was fine, she just got caught up in a fire.”

“Were you afraid that you’d get stuck in the B&B, when it went on fire?”

“Of course I was.” Robert sighed. “I didn’t want to die, I’ve got too much to live for. But it scared the hell out of me, that fire. I think it made me realise I wasn’t invincible, or something.”

“No one is invincible, Robert.”

“But I always pretended like I was.” Robert admitted. “I’ve always pretended like nothing ever affected me, that I was able to handle anything. I’m supposed to be the strong one, you know?”

“Why?”

Robert hated this. He hated sitting on this stupid chair, and spilling his guts to a stranger. 

“Because.” Robert blustered. “Because it’s easier to be the one who’s got their shit together than admit that I’m struggling.”

And there it was.

Robert looked at the therapist as he said it, his hands shaking. He’d never said it aloud before, never admitted it, and now he was expecting Mark to tell him he was mad, that he was being ridiculous.

“Admitting that you’re struggling is always the hardest part, Robert.” 

Robert looked down at his hands, at his wedding ring. “What if its going to be even harder to get better?”

“Therapy can be exhausting, Robert, I won’t lie.” Mark said. “You sit here, and you unpick a lifetimes worth of bad memories for me to hear, and it’s tough. But, there’s a reason this kind of therapy works, talking works. You might not feel better today, or tomorrow, or even in a few weeks, but you will feel better.”

“I want to be better.” Robert said quietly. 

“Good,” Mark smiled. “So, tell me a bit more about your mum. What was she like?”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Robert was getting more and more used to his Tuesday mornings being spent at Dr Thompson’s office. It was his third appointment that morning, and they’d yet to do anything except talk about his mother. 

Robert hadn’t talked about her so much in years. It was hard, it was really hard, and he’d left the first two sessions completely exhausted and just mentally _drained_ by it all. 

“You alright?” Aaron inquired, pulling into a parking space in front of Dr Thompson’s office. 

“All I’ve done so far is talk about mum.” Robert admitted quietly. “It’s making the nightmares worse.”

He hadn’t had a decent nights sleep in weeks.

“You need to tell him that.” Aaron pointed out, switching off the ignition. “If you hide stuff from him, you know you’re not going to get any better.”

“I know.” Robert sighed, not moving to get out of the passenger seat.

“You can talk to me, Rob.”

Of course Aaron knew something was wrong. 

“How did we get here, eh? How did our lives somehow end up revolving around driving each other to therapy?” Robert said. “We’re young, we’ve only been married two years, and…”

“Messed up forever, remember?” Aaron tried to joke. “Look, you said it yourself Robert, you’ve needed help like this for a long time now. Going to therapy doesn’t mean we can’t be any less married, or whatever. We could go out this weekend.”

Robert nodded. “I’d better go in.”

“I’ll see you in an hour.”

Robert didn’t respond, pretended like he didn’t notice Aaron leaning in for a goodbye kiss when he got out of the car, walking into the office. There was always such a calm atmosphere in the office, and it only made Robert’s worries feel louder, more insistent as he sat into one of the comfortable chairs in Mark’s office.

“How are you, Robert?”

Robert looked at him, feeling genuinely nervous. “I think I might be ruining my marriage,” he admitted, twisting his wedding ring around his finger. 

“That’s a bold statement, Robert.”

“I just - I don’t want to be around Aaron, when I’m like this.” Robert sighed. “Is that weird? I don’t want to be around my husband when I’m feeling like this, and he’s the one person that would understand.”

“It’s tough to have space in your head for anything but yourself at times like this.”

“But thats not it. He’s all I think about lately, I keep worrying about him.”

“Any particular reason why?” 

Robert swallowed thickly. “He’s been through a lot, in his life. I just hate worrying him, when he’s got enough going on in his own head. He was hospitalised for self harming last year, and I don’t want to be what sends him over the edge again.”

“I imagine Aaron’s been given plenty of coping mechanisms to help deal with what he’s going though,” Mark commented.

“Yeah, but I’m supposed to be the one who’s there for him.” Robert said. “I’m supposed to support him, and now I’m like _this_ , constantly feeling like one tiny thing is going to send **me** over the edge.”

“A marriage is a two way street, Robert.” Mark pointed out. “And you’ve been through a lot yourself. Aaron’s struggles don’t take away from that.”

Robert sighed. “He’s been through more than I ever have.”

“You haven’t told me much about Aaron.” Mark pointed out. “How did you two meet?”

Robert couldn’t help the smile that appeared on his face as he thought about Aaron, about that first kiss on the side of the road. “We had an affair,” he admitted. “I don’t know if that makes me a bad person, or whatever, but yeah. We had an affair.”

“Were you both with other people at the time?”

Robert shook his head. “I was. I was engaged to someone else, Chrissie. I married her and kept the affair going with Aaron - jesus, I’m half the reason his head gets so mashed sometimes.”

“I’m not here to judge, Robert.” Mark seemed to sense how uncomfortable he felt.

“I didn’t want to be bisexual.” Robert offered. “I really didn’t. I didn’t want to admit that I felt something for Aaron, that I had ever felt anything for another man. Being with Chrissie was normal, it was how things were supposed to be.”

“What made you change your mind in the end? You must have, to be married to Aaron now.”

“I didn’t change my mind, not really.” Robert admitted. “Aaron told my wife, about the affair, and she told everyone in our local pub, and all of a sudden I was _out_ , and there was no turning back.”

“That’s tough, Robert, being outed against your will.”

“Maybe I deserved it.” Robert mumbled. “I wasn’t a good person. I hurt Aaron, I hurt my wife, I hurt so many other people because of the affair, because I couldn’t accept who I was. Maybe I deserved to get outed like that.”

“No one deserves to be outed, Robert. Your sexuality is for you to come to terms with.” 

He’d started now, so Robert felt like he had to continue. “I don’t mean this to sound weird, but I was never really uncomfortable having sex with men. That bit was always easy, I never had a problem with it. It was the falling in love with a man thing I struggled with, I never let myself have feelings for another guy - and if I started to, I ended it. Because I could just have sex with men, and no one ever had to know about this part of me that I was so ashamed of.”

Robert felt tears pricking at the corners of his eyes. “I didn’t want to be bisexual,” he repeated his earlier statement. “I just wanted to be normal.” 

“What about being bisexual wasn’t normal to you?”

“Everything.” Robert shrugged. “It’s not like I didn’t know I was, before Aaron. I know a lot of people think that Aaron was the person who made me realise I was bi. I accepted it because of him, but I’ve know for a long time. I’ve known since I was fifteen.”

Rubbing a hand over his face, Robert let out a shaky breath. “My dad, he caught me in my room with our new farmhand. I was mad about him, the farmhand - he’d been brought in to help with the new lambs, and I liked him from the moment I saw him. I guess I didn’t really think about what anyone else’s reaction would be, I just wanted to kiss him.”

“How did your dad react?”

“He freaked out.” Robert laughed, a bitter, unhappy sort of laugh. “Sacked the farmhand on the spot, leathered me, and we never talked about it. I was already enough of a disappointment to him, I didn’t want to give him another reason to pick my brother over me.”

There was a few minutes of silence. 

“I buried it, for my dad’s sake. Even after he died, I kept on burying it, because - I don’t know, I wanted to make a life for myself and prove to all my family that I was worth something. That despite what my dad had thought of me, I was worth something, that I could get the beautiful wife and the big house and the expensive cars.”

“So the materialistic was important to you?”

“It all made me feel normal.” Robert nodded. “The wife, the cars. It all made me feel normal. But it’s not like Aaron was the first risk I’d ever taken, I’ve always been that sort of person - sleeping with people I shouldn’t, looking for attention. I was bound to screw it up, one way or another.”

“Do you worry you’re going to do the same to Aaron?”

Robert slowly nodded. “Sometimes,” he admitted, surprised at the tears that had started to roll down his cheeks. “I don’t want anyone else, I really don’t. Aaron’s the love of my life, I know he is - but theres something in my brain that just makes me screw things up, and I’m worried I won’t be able to stop myself from doing something idiotic and ruining our marriage.”

“Have you ever expressed these fears to Aaron?”

“No. I couldn’t, it would only hurt him.” Robert shook his head. “I’ve done enough of that.”

“I think you should talk to him, Robert, about how you’re feeling. Internalising these sorts of fears is only going to lead to them imploding, and you will end up doing something to hurt yourself, or Aaron.” Mark said. “Communication is the most important aspect of a marriage.”

“He’s always honest with me.” 

“But you’re not honest with him?”  


“Not always.” Robert admitted. “I never wanted him to know how bad things were, in my head I mean. I never wanted him to know that I was struggling as much as he was.”

“Why?”  
  
“Because I don’t like not being in control, and telling him how bad I was feeling, admitting to him that I wasn’t coping, that would be giving up control.” Robert said, his voice quiet. “That makes me sound crazy, doesn’t it?”

“No.” Mark shook his head. “You were outed against your will, Robert. It’s understandable that you’d want to keep control over the other aspects of your life, even now, because something you weren’t ready to accept yourself was told to everyone around you, and you didn’t have a choice in the matter.”

“I didn’t think it still affected me.”

“You didn’t have the opportunity to come out on your own terms, Robert. That’s something thats bound to affect you in the long term.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“You don’t have to tell me what you talk about at therapy, you know.” Aaron said quietly, setting a mug of tea down in front of Robert. “But you’ve been really quiet since your appointment this morning, I’m worried.”

Robert took a sip of the tea, smiling to himself as he tasted how sweet it was. Aaron was a menace for putting two or three spoons of sugar in his tea, always believed that the sugar calmed people down.

“We talked about the affair.” Robert admitted. “Well, we talked more about the affair reveal than the affair itself.”

Aaron settled himself down at the kitchen table next to Robert, giving him a curious look. 

“I think that being outed the way I was had more of an affect on me than I let on.” Robert admitted, trying to find the right words to explain why he was so off, explain what he had talked about with Mark earlier. “Actually, I know it had more of an affect on me than I let on.” 

“You’ve never said.” Aaron looked visibly upset by Robert’s revelation, and it hurt. 

“I guess I felt like I never had the right to be upset over it, because of everything I did leading up to it.” Robert said. “It was probably what I deserved.”

“No one deserves to be outed, Robert.” Aaron sighed. “God, I’m sorry - it’s my fault, isn’t it? Because I told Chrissie about us. I had to have known she’d out you, it wasn’t fair.”

“After what I did to you, it was fair.”

Silence hung in the air between them. They didn’t talk about the lodge, about what happened there - they never had, not since they had gotten back together, not since they’d gotten married. It was the one thing they’d silently agreed to never speak of again, neither of them wanting to think about those few days.

“I’ve forgiven you for that, you know.” Aaron offered. “What happened at the lodge.”

“Have you?”

“I wouldn’t have married you if I hadn’t. I wouldn’t have even gotten back with you, if I hadn’t.” Aaron admitted. He was just after a shower, his curly hair flat against his forehead, dressed in a comfy hoodie and tracksuit bottoms, looking impossibly soft and sleep ready. 

“Thank you.” Robert said, sincere. He knew he didn’t deserve Aaron’s forgiveness, and yet he had it - he always seemed to have it, no matter what bad thing he’d ever done to his husband. 

Aaron gave him a soft smile, nudging Robert’s leg with his foot. “I’d forgive you anything, you know that.”

“I don’t deserve that. I don’t deserve your forgiveness, really.”

“But you have it, so take it.” 

Robert felt his heart swell with love for the man sitting in front of him. Aaron Dingle was everything good in the world, and he didn’t deserve him. “Dr Thompson thinks that being outed is part of the reason why I can be so controlling sometimes,” he admitted, thinking back to their earlier session.

“Yeah?”

Robert nodded. “I didn’t get to come out on my own terms, and my sexuality is a big part of who I am, so it’s made me want to control other aspects of my life more.”

“That makes sense.” Aaron inclined his head slightly. “Do you regret not being able to come out on your own terms?”

“Yeah.” Robert admitted. “But I kind of did come out on my own terms eventually. I mean, I came out to you the day we got engaged. I think that was the first time I’d ever even said I was bisexual out loud, so in a way I got to come out.”

“And thats enough?” 

“I suppose it’s got to be.” Robert shrugged. “Talking about it today helped a lot, actually. I feel like it’s something I’m going to be able to let go of now.”

“Good.” Aaron smiled. “Good, I’m glad.”

“I talked about you a lot today, actually.” Robert said after a few minutes of peaceful silent. “About how I’m afraid I’ll mess things up.”

“W-what?” Aaron looked completely confused. 

“Because I always have.” Robert said, not quite looking at Aaron. “Every relationship I’ve ever been in has ended in some kind of disaster I caused.”

“Well, we’ve been a disaster from the beginning, so there’s not much chance of that.” Aaron joked. “Come on, Rob. I don’t like you thinking that you’re walking on eggshells in case you mess up our relationship.”

“I just can’t lose this, Aaron. I can’t not have you.” 

“You’ve got me.” Aaron reassured. “Not matter what happens, you’ve got me. I’ve never loved anyone the way I love you, and nothing is ever going to change that. Okay?”

“Okay.” Robert nodded, blinking back furious tears. “I don’t like being insecure.”

“I don’t think anyone does.” Aaron said, pushing back his chair, standing between Robert’s splayed legs, pulling him in close. Robert went willingly, wrapping his arms around Aaron’s waist and pressing his face into his hoodie, the familiar scent of their fabric conditioner easing his suddenly queasy stomach.

They stayed like that for a long time, Aaron rubbing slow, gentle circles across Robert’s back, a gentle hand in his hair. Robert hadn’t realised quite how much he just needed to be held, after the morning he’d had at therapy.

“Thanks.”

“What for?”  


“Sticking by me.” Robert mumbled, his voice muffled by the material of Aaron’s jumper. “I know I’ve not been easy to deal with these past few weeks.”

“Messed up forever, remember?” Aaron leaned down to press a kiss to Robert’s hair. “Come on, let’s go to bed, eh? You look like you could do with an early night.”

Robert nodded.

An early night sounded great.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“How are the nightmares?” Mark inquired.

Robert turned back from where he’d been staring out the window, watching the torrential rain fall. “They’re not as bad as they were,” he said, setting back into his chair. “But I’m lucky if I get four or five hours of sleep a night.”

“Are they still about your mother?”

Robert nodded. “I feel like I’ve seen her die a thousand times since the fire. I’ve been having nightmares about the fire itself more, too - I’m remembering it properly.”

“It’s common to remember more of a traumatic incident in the weeks after it.” Mark said. 

“I’ve been snappier, lately.” Robert admitted. “I’m trying not to be, but I just lost my head at Liv this morning. It’s pissed Aaron off, rightly so, but it was like I couldn’t stop myself from yelling at her.”

“Heightened emotions go hand in hand with nightmares, Robert.” Mark said. “You’ve been showing more and more symptoms of PTSD during our sessions,” he began, setting his notebook down. “Although I do believe there is more to what’s going on with you than just that, I can definitively say that you have got PTSD.”

“From just a fire?”

“It wasn’t just a fire, Robert. You were badly injured, PTSD is more common than you think.”

“Aaron’s mum got it, after I was shot.” Robert admitted, thinking of the breakdown Chas had in the aftermath of the shooting. He mightn’t have seen it first hand, but he'd heard about it enough.

“You don’t talk about when you were shot.”

“I don’t want to.” Robert shrugged. “Someone wanted me dead enough to arrange to have me shot right outside my local, in my _home_. Thinking about it makes me want to just, scream or something.”

“Have you ever had nightmares about the shooting?"

He might as well be honest. 

“Yes.” Robert nodded. “I have done since I got out of my coma.”

“That’s coming up on three years, right?” 

“Three years in October.” 

“That’s a long time to have been having nightmares, Robert.”

He knew.

Of course he knew that.

“I didn’t have them that often. They were bad, when I first got out of hospital, but they settled down a bit. I’d only have one every so often, they’ve just gotten worse again since the fire.” 

“It sounds to me as though you’ve had underlying symptoms of PTSD for years, Robert.” Mark said. “There’s a very good reason as to why you’ve been affected by this fire so badly.”

“Really?”  


“Emotions build up, and they continue to build up if you don’t address them, regardless of whether they’re positive or negative. If you ignored how much you loved someone for years, how would it feel?”

Terrible.

Robert knew that from experience.

“Bad.” He mumbled, not trusting himself to say anything else.

“It’s the same with negative emotions. You can only ignore them for so long, and the fire was your breaking point.” 

Breaking point.

That’s what it had felt like. 

“That makes sense, I guess.” Robert slumped in his chair. “I still can’t walk past the B&B.”

“That was going to be my next question.” Mark said wryly. “There’s something I’d like you to do for me, before our next session.”

“Yeah?”

“I want you to go to the B&B.” Mark said. “It might sound outrageous to you, but the first step in overcoming PTSD can be facing up to the trauma that you went through. Take Aaron with you, and just walk down to the B&B, and stay there for a few minutes.”

“You’re making that sound like it’s an easy thing to do.”

“It won’t be.” Mark inclined his head slightly. “But it’s something you’re going to have to do, eventually. Why not this week?”

Because this week marked two months since the fire.

Two months since his entire world had been turned upside down forever.

“What about the nightmares?” Robert asked after a few minutes.

“If they continue, if they haven’t eased by next week, I think we’re going to need to look at prescribing you sleeping pills. It’s something I've been somewhat reluctant to do, but if talking hasn't helped you, it is the next logical step - sleep heals, Robert, and by the sounds of it, you haven’t been having too much of it.”

No.

No, he hadn’t.

Robert was exhausted. He’d been doing some work from home, the past few weeks, not quite building up the courage to go back to the scrapyard, go back to the office. It had been a struggle to keep his eyes open, concentrate on the files that Nicola had brought around. 

“I’ll see you in a week, Robert.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It took Robert four days to build up the courage to tell Aaron about what Mark wanted him to do. “I’ve got PTSD,” he began, watching as Aaron froze with a slice of toast halfway to his mouth. “And Dr Thompson wants me to walk down to the B&B this week.”

“PTSD?”

Robert nodded. “He thinks the shooting might have started it off, but the fire was my breaking point, or summat.”

“Jesus, Robert. Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because it’s making me feel crazy.”

“You’re not crazy, Robert.” Aaron said, an almost warning tone to his voice, clearly thinking of his own mental health issues.

“Feels like it.” Robert picked up Aaron’s cup of tea, taking a sip. “He said you should come with me, when I go to the B&B.”

Aaron nodded slowly. “Why does he want you to go?”

“I’ve got to face up to the fire, if I want to get better.” Robert explained. “Can we do it now?”

“Like, right now?”

“I’m afraid I’ll bottle it if I don’t do it right now.” 

Aaron stood up, brushing toast crumbs from his trousers. “Alright, let’s go then.”

“I regret saying it now.” Robert admitted, already jittery. 

Aaron grabbed his elbow, pressing a brief kiss to his lips. “You’ve got this, Robert.”

“What if I don’t?”

“Then we try again tomorrow.” Aaron shrugged on his coat, holding out a hand. “Yeah?”

Robert took Aaron’s hand in his own, knotting their fingers together tightly. “Yeah.”

The short walk to the B&B had never felt longer, Robert’s stomach in knots as they strolled down the quiet village. Everyone was either at work already, or still asleep, so they had some peace.

It was the best time to do it, because at least if he freaked out now, there wouldn’t be many people around to see it. 

Robert felt like getting sick as he came face to face with the B&B again, the building absolutely gutted. The insurance had come through, he’d heard Vic mention it to Aaron, so Eric had started working on clearing it out, a skip outside the front door. 

“Aaron, I don’t-“

“Hey, it’s okay.” Aaron squeezed his hand. “You’re doing it.”

Robert’s breath was coming in rasps as he looked at the burnt out B&B, memories of the day of the fire flooding back. He’d been having lunch with Diane, a quiet lunch with her and Victoria, the three of them laughing and joking about something or other.

Diane had smelled something burning, and she’d gone to check if everything was already, returning a second later, screaming that everyone needed to leave. She’d had Eric run upstairs and make sure the bedrooms were empty, but he hadn’t done a very good job.

Tracey had been upstairs, Robert remembered. She was covering a few hours of cleaning at the B&B, as a favour to Eric, and she’d been cleaning one of the rooms with her headphones on.

He’d gone back in to get her.

Robert had thought he’d have time, that he’d be able to get in and out quickly, the fire hadn’t taken hold yet. But then the kitchen exploded, the gas cookers had exploded and the rickety old B&B had gone up like a fireball.

It had hurt.

God, it had hurt so much.

Robert could smell the burning, the way the fire had scorched his skin, the flames licking at his clothes. It had been terrifying, the most terrified Robert had ever been in his life, because for a second, he’d thought he was going to die.

He thought he was going to die, and Robert didn’t want to die.

If Robert of a few years ago had been caught in that fire, his marriage wrecked and Aaron hating him, he mightn’t have panicked so much. If Robert had been caught in a fire like that before he met the Whites, desperate and alone, he mightn’t have panicked so much.

But he had Aaron now. Aaron, and Liv, and that stupid dog that insisted on sleeping in his and Aaron’s bed, and Robert couldn’t bear to think what it would have done to them if he'd died.

Robert hadn’t wanted to lose out on all those happy years with Aaron.

And he hadn’t.

He was alive.

Robert was a little worse for wear, but he was _alive_.

“Robert?” Aaron’s concerned voice broke through his thoughts. 

“I’m okay.” He managed to gasp out. “I’m okay, I’m okay Aaron.”

And he was.

Or at least he would be, one day soon. 

Because he had _Aaron_. Aaron, his Aaron, his wonderful, brilliant husband who had been nothing but a rock in the two months since the fire. Robert would be okay because he had Aaron.

Aaron was _everything_. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“How was it, seeing the B&B again?”

“Terrifying.” Robert admitted. “It was like reliving the fire over again, but then - I don’t know, something clicked, in my head. It was like I’d realised I was alive, that I’d made it out.”

“That’s great progress, Robert.” Mark smiled. “And the nightmares?”  


“They’re still not great.” Robert admitted. “I’m trying, I really am, but I’ve been kicking in my sleep a lot more lately. I always do it, but it’s gotten so bad since the fire that I keep walking Aaron up.”

“Have you always kicked in your sleep?”

Robert laughed. “Yeah, I have. God knows why - I googled it once, when I was younger. They said something about it being an anxiety thing, but it’s not like I’ve got anxiety or anything.”

“It could just be a natural reaction to what’s going on in your life. People can be naturally restless sleepers, and if it’s gotten worse since the fire, like you said, it’s probably just a subconscious reaction to a traumatic incident. I wouldn’t worry about it,” Mark explained.

“I wouldn’t, normally, but it’s keeping Aaron up. He’s been so good, with the nightmares and everything, but I’m keeping him up at all hours, and he’s working full time. I’m still just doing bits and pieces at home, I can afford to be tired - he’s getting up at six am for deliveries, and driving for hours on end everyday. I’m worried it’s starting to take it’s toll on him too.”

Mark nodded. “I think that prescribing you some sleeping pills will help. You’ve been making great progress with your therapy, but like I said last week, sleep is a healer. You need to be resting more.”

Robert nodded. “Thanks.”

“Tell me more about Aaron.” Mark nudged. “You’ve told me about the affair, the things you did wrong. What about the things you’ve done right?” 

Robert raised an eyebrow, but nodded. “Aaron’s my best friend,” he began, trying to find the words to sum Aaron up. “He means absolutely everything to me. I wouldn’t be able to cope with anything, if it wasn’t for him - he’s been a rock, these past few weeks.”

“What do you like about him?”

“He makes me laugh.” Robert smiled. “He’s got a wicked sense of humour, my Aaron. He always knows how to make me laugh. And he’s been through it in his life, you know? He’s had a lot to deal with, but he still makes me laugh, he can still crack a joke.”

“How long have you been together?”

“Three years, if you don’t count the affair.” Robert said. “A part of me never thought we’d be able to do it, be happy, but we’re doing our best. Aaron, he was in prison, after we first got married - and it’s not a reflection on him. Aaron’s not a thug, you know? He was defending a mate, and it all got out of hand. Anyway, I had to live on my own for three months, and I think thats when I really realised I was never going to let anything come between us, that I couldn’t live without him.”

Robert shifted in his chair, feeling slightly uncomfortable admitting all this to someone he was paying to listen to him. “Liv says we love each other so much it’s literally embarrassing.”

Mark laughed. “Teenagers can be like that.”

“Yeah. But she says it in a way that makes me think she doesn’t mind, not really. We’re kind of the first bit of stability she’s had in her life.”

“Thats a lot of responsibility."

“I don’t mind.” Robert said. “I love her. She’s my sister too, you know - I love her to bits, even if she is a pain in my arse most of the time.”

“Are you finding it any easier to talk to Aaron about how you’re feeling?”

“A little bit.” Robert nodded. “It’s still hard, but I don’t feel like he’s going to fall apart if I’m honest with him anymore.”

“I’m sure he’s grateful for that.”

Robert was quiet for a second. “I wanted to ask you something.”

“Of course.”

“I think it might be a weird thing to ask.”

“This is a safe space, Robert.”

Robert took a deep breath, trying to steady his nerves. “I haven’t been able to have sex with Aaron since the fire,” he admitted. “Every time he tries to start anything, I panic.”

“You did go through something traumatic, Robert.”

“But that can’t be normal, can it?” Robert asked. “It’s not normal for us. I just - I don’t want him to see all the scars, the burns. They’re ugly, and I hate them, and just - the idea of Aaron seeing them turns my stomach. What if I feel like that forever?”

“Scarring is a tough thing to deal with.” Mark said. “But those scars are a part of you, now. I think you need to make the conscious decision to treat them as a reminder that you survived, rather than a reminder of how hurt you were.”

“They’re disgusting.” 

“Do you think Aaron will find them repulsive?”  


Robert shook his head. Aaron probably wouldn’t even notice, and it’s not like he would care - Aaron had plenty of scars of his own, silverly lines that decorated his stomach and chest. 

“I find them repulsive.” He admitted quietly, thinking of the churning in his stomach he always felt when he looked at his scars in the mirror. The nurse had taken the bandages off his shoulder at his last appointment, telling him that he was well on the road to recovery.

The scars that decorated his chest, and shoulder didn’t feel much like recovery. Robert didn’t even want to know what the scars and burns on his thigh looked like, he still couldn’t bring himself to look when the nurse had changed the bandages the previous day, noting that he would be eligible for a skin graft soon.

Like a skin graft was going to change all those scars.

“It’s going to have to be a journey of acceptance for you, Robert. Your body looks different now, which does affect a person’s sex drive - but you’re not going to feel that way forever.” Mark said. “Talk to Aaron about it, explain how you feel. Maybe you two will find a way to work past your insecurities together.”

That would mean admitting how insecure he was in the first place. 

Robert sighed. “I suppose.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It was days before Robert worked up the courage to speak to Aaron about how he was feeling. It wasn’t as though he didn’t want to have sex, Robert _missed_ having sex with Aaron.

But he genuinely felt like he couldn’t do it.

Rubbing Titan behind the ears, earning himself a happy growl from the oversized dog, Robert pulled him onto his lap. He’d never admit it, but he loved the dog more than anything.

Titan had been great company in the weeks since the fire, the ridiculous St Bernard at his heels constantly. 

“You think today’s finally going to be the day I talk to Aaron about this?” Robert murmured, Titan yawning as he continued to scratch behind his ears. The kitchen floor was cold underneath Robert, but he didn’t mind all that much.

“I really should talk to him, you know.” Robert continued. “He’s going to worry. It’s not exactly like me to turn him down, is it? God knows the amount of times you’ve walked in on us.”

He snorted at the memory of Titan happily pattering into their bedroom and settling himself down on their bed as they were finally getting some time alone, Aaron panting and writhing underneath him as Robert easily took his husband apart

Robert had freaked out, Aaron laughing his head off at the dog’s innocent expression. Titan had only been a puppy at the time, but he still took up an enormous amount of room in their bed, and Robert had made a snarky comment about his ideal third not being a bloody St Bernard before he’d whooshed Titan downstairs again, kissing the laughter right off Aaron’s face.

That had been a good day. 

“You alright?” Aaron greeted, dumping a full bag from David’s on the kitchen table. 

“Mm.” Robert nodded. “I went to the scrapyard today, did a bit of work up there.”

“Yeah? That’s good.” Aaron busied himself putting groceries away. “I was thinking of doing bolognese tonight, sound alright?”

“Sounds great.” Robert nodded, easing Titan off his lap so he could stand up. “Could I talk to you first?”

“Course.” Aaron’s hands stilled before he could grab anything else out of the bag.

“You know I love you, right?” Robert asked. “And you know how gorgeous I think you are?”

“Y-yeah…” Aaron raised an eyebrow. “Where are you going with this Robert?”

“I know I’ve been pushing you away a lot lately, whenever you try and initiate _anything_.” Robert said nervously. They’d exchanged nothing but chaste kisses and pecks on the cheek for weeks now, Robert pulling away before anything could get too hot and heavy.

“You know I’m not going to push you on that front.”

“I know.” Robert confirmed. “But I feel like I owe you an explanation.”

Aaron stayed silent, waiting for him to continue.  


“I don’t like the way my body looks now.” Robert admitted. “I don’t like the scars, the way the burns have healed. It’s changed how I feel about myself, and I’m worried you won’t find me as attractive when you see them - properly see them, I mean.”

“Robert, I am always going to find you attractive.” Aaron closed the few inches of space between them, looking hurt by what Robert had said. “You’ve never let my scars affect how you feel about me, have you?”

Robert shook his head, his face burning with embarrassment as he felt tears start to roll down his cheeks. “I just don’t know how I’m supposed to get in the mood for it if I can’t even stand to look at myself.”

“Let me see them.”

“What?”

“Let me see the scars, Robert.”

Robert reached for the hem of his jumper with shaking hands, pulling it over his head. The cold of the kitchen immediately made goosebumps rise across his arms, and he shivered as Aaron stared at him intently.

So intently he couldn’t handle it.

Robert squeezed his eyes shut, waiting for Aaron to say something. He kept his eyes closed as Aaron reached out, his fingers brushing against the scarred and puckered skin of his chest.

“I don’t see you any differently to how I did two months ago.” Aaron said firmly. “You’re still Robert. You’re still my gorgeous, smarmy idiot of a husband. I still want you, I always want you. These scars, they make no difference to the way I feel about you.”

“Really?”

“Really.” Aaron confirmed, stepping back. “Put your jumper back on,” he ordered.

“What?”

“I’m not going to push you when it comes to sex.” Aaron repeated his earlier sentiment. “I never would. So when you’re ready for it again, I’m not going to complain. But I’m happy to wait as long as you need me to, okay?”

Robert nodded, slowly tugging his jumper on again. “Do you want me to get started on the bolognese? You were working all day.”

Aaron gave him a grateful smile. “I’ll grab a shower.”

“I’ll be here.”

“I know. Don’t give Titan any more treats though, I know you secretly spoil that dog.”

Robert couldn’t help but grin. “Never.”

For the first time in what felt like _months_ , Robert felt like he was really turning a corner.

It felt _good_.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Later that week, Robert stood in their ensuite bathroom, his gaze on the mirror.

He was going to look at the scars properly, he’d decided.

With unsteady hands, Robert reached for the t-shirt he’d been wearing, pulling it over his head. Ignoring the churning in his stomach, Robert forced himself to look in the mirror, properly look in the mirror.

They weren’t as bad as he thought they’d be. The worst ones were on his shoulder, where his jacket had melted into his skin - they weren’t as angry and red anymore, his skin rough to the touch and slightly raised. 

They weren’t so bad, really.

Robert didn’t like them, but he would always be able to hide them under t-shirt’s, and jackets. In time maybe they’d heal more, maybe they’d eventually fade away like Aaron’s scars had.

Swallowing his nerves, Robert shoved his t-shirt into the laundry basket, and padded back into their bedroom. Aaron was already under the covers, half heartedly attempting to read a book Robert had been begging him to read for weeks ( _so we can talk about it, Aaron! You’ll love it, I promise._ )

Aaron had never been one for sleeping topless, but the weather was getting warmer, and he always complained Robert was like a bloody space heater to sleep next to, so he’d been discarding his pyjamas lately, opting to sleep in his boxers.

He couldn’t hide the surprise in his expression as he noticed Robert was only wearing a pair of joggers, his chest exposed. Uncomfortable, Robert crossed his arms over his chest.

“Are you going to get into bed, or am I going to have to let Titan upstairs so I’ve got a bit of company?” Aaron asked, setting the book down on his bedside locker. He yanked back the covers, motioning for Robert to get in next to him. 

His arms still crossed over his chest, Robert laid down next to Aaron, ignoring how his heart had started to race. 

“C’mere,” Aaron said, reaching out and pulling Robert into his chest. The touch of bare skin against bare skin sent a jolt through Robert’s body, and he couldn’t help but wrap his arms around Aaron’s stomach, burying his face in the crook of Aaron’s neck.

They hadn’t been this close in a long time, and it felt good. All he could feel, and see, and smell was Aaron, Aaron’s warm skin, the familiar scent of his shower gel, something that was just so distinctively Aaron. 

“I’m so proud of you, you know that?” Aaron murmured, his lips pressed against the side of Robert’s head.

Robert simply hugged him tighter.

Whether it was the sleeping pills, or Aaron, or a combination of both, Robert had the best nights sleep since the fire that night.

And god, did it feel good.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was my favourite chapter to write, so i hope you enjoyed it. thank you for the support on this so far, you're all wonderful!


	7. vii. teamwork

“I’ve gone back to work properly.” 

“That’s good, Robert.” 

“I didn’t realise how much I missed it,” Robert shifted in his chair slightly. “I like being busy, you know? I didn’t realise just how much I need to be working, to be doing something.”

“Do you enjoy the work you do?”

Robert nodded. “It’s not exactly how I saw my life turning out, if I’m honest. I had all these big dreams of being a multimillionaire by time I was thirty, but theres something about what I do now that’s more satisfying. The scrapyard, I was their main investor in the beginning. It’s been great, to see them build it up from nothing to what it is now.”

Mark nodded. “Are you heavily involved with the scrapyard?”  
  
“Only when they need an extra pair of hands, really.” Robert grinned. “At the beginning it was a way for me to meet Aaron without anyone getting suspicious, so I don’t think he wanted me involved much. I help out a bit, these days, throw some contacts their way, but it’s Aaron and Adam’s business.”

Robert thought about how absolutely over the moon Aaron had been that week, having signed a massive scrap deal that would see them working with a car recovery company for the next five years - Holey Scrap would get rid of the wrecked cars for cheaper than they usually would, and the recovery company would deal solely with them.

Aaron had negotiated the contract entirely by himself, and Robert had never been prouder of anyone in his entire life. 

“I do like the haulage company.” Robert said. “I deal with a lot of the contracts and new deals. It’s fun, getting to charm people and all that. I’ve always liked that part of doing business, getting the attention. Is that weird?”

“No.” Mark shook his head. “It’s a way for you to get gratification out of your job. There’s nothing strange about that - I get the same sense of gratification from seeing a patient improve over a number of weeks or months.”

“Am I improving?”

“You tell me.” Mark smiled.

“I feel better.” Robert said. “I feel better than I have in a long time, actually. I wouldn’t say I’m totally fine, but I feel like I could be.”

“That’s improvement on your first session with me.” Mark said. “Progress when it comes to mental health can be inches instead of miles, but progress is still progress.”

“I guess I’ve never looked at it like that before."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Robert couldn’t pretend like he wasn’t still nervous, when he left the house. It was a strange feeling for him, but one he definitely couldn't ignore. He knew it was all in his head, thinking people were looking at him, but that didn’t make the feeling any less valid.

That’s what Mark said, at least. 

“Are you sure you’re up for this?” Aaron asked, before they stepped into the pub. It was quiz night, and Aaron had suggested they go, have a break from the house and have some fun while they were at it.

“No,” Robert admitted. “But I’ve got to try, haven’t I?”

“If you need to leave, we’ll leave.” Aaron reassured, kissing him briefly before they stepped inside. The pub was packed, both Chas and Charity swept off their feet as they served drink, after drink.

Robert let Aaron lead him to the bar, grateful for the reassuring hand his husband was keeping on his waist. “Hiya,” he greeted quietly, Chas’ wide smile surprising him slightly.

“It’s good to see you out and about properly, Robert. Aaron’s said you’ve gone back to work.” Chas said, pulling them two pints without needing to ask.

“Thanks.” 

“And love, if you need to talk, you know where I am.” Chas said. “I know what you’re going through.”

Robert couldn’t help the wide smile on his face as he nodded at his mother-in-law. “I really appreciate it, Chas.”

Chas simply beamed. “Go on you two, Pete and Leyla won the last quiz, and I’d rather like to see you wipe those smirks off their faces.”

Aaron snorted, pushing Robert toward one of the free tables. “Win a few pub quizzes and suddenly my mum think’s we’re addicts, eh?”

“We won’t tell her that our favourite thing to do is watch reruns of the Chase and try and get all the questions right then, will we?” Robert teased.

“God no.” Aaron shook his head, taking a drag of his pint. “That’s way too embarrassing to ever admit to anyone else.”

Robert settled back in his chair, almost surprised at how he wasn’t panicking. He hadn’t excepted to feel too good about their evening out, but maybe it was a good sign - a sign he was really on the mend.

He wasn’t going to jinx it.

But maybe he was going to be alright.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

They’d won the pub quiz. Of course they’d won the pub quiz, they were Aaron and Robert - they were stupidly good at them, mainly down to Robert’s endless wealth of useless knowledge and Aaron’s sports obsession.

That, and they just made a good team.

“Let’s have one more.” Robert nudged, Aaron already making to put his coat on, and leave.

“What?”

“Let’s have another pint.” Robert said, as if it were obvious. “I don’t want to go home just yet.”

Aaron beamed. “Okay, let’s have another pint. You’re getting them in though, lazy git. You’ve just been sat there all evening.”

Robert rolled his eyes, but stood up, heading for the bar with their empty glasses. It had been a nice evening, plenty of good natured ribbing between themselves and Pete and Leyla, and he hadn’t counted a single sympathetic look from anyone.

It seemed as though people didn’t have much of an interest in acknowledging the breakdown Robert had gone through, after the fire. That was the thing, about Emmerdale - the gossip mill was vicious, but it always seemed to move on quickly enough.

Or maybe it was because the scars Robert had weren’t visible. 

His shirt and jumper combination hide the scarred skin of his shoulder from any potential prying eyes, and well, the scars on his mind were hardly visible, were they? They were the worst ones, sometimes, the ones that had caused weeks of sleepless nights and arguments with Aaron.

They were the ones only he really knew about.

“Two pints please, Charity.”

“What, you two not skulking off home to celebrate your win?” Charity teased. “With Liv glued to Gabby these days, I thought you’d be taking plenty of advantage.”

Robert’s stomach twisted.

It was no secret that the two girls were close, and Liv spent nearly every Friday night at Gabby’s these days. He and Aaron had joked about it, once or twice, but knew Liv would tell them what was going on when she was ready.

No, that wasn’t what made him uncomfortable.

“You two were always at it like rabbits, when you lived here. Scarred me for life, it did.” Charity passed him the two pints. “Five pound, please.”

Robert handed her a crumpled five pound note, feeling slightly dazed as he went back to his and Aaron’s table, sliding one of the pints to his husband. 

“You alright?”

“I don’t know.” Robert admitted quietly. 

“Do you want to go home?”

“I don’t want to ruin tonight.” 

“You’re not ruining anything, Robert.” Aaron reassured, his voice dropping to that soft, low tone he reserved for Robert, and Robert alone. “Let’s go, eh? There’s beer in the fridge at home.”

“But I just bought these.” Robert was embarrassed at the tears that had welled up in his eyes, furious at his own reaction to Charity’s offhand comment. 

Aaron shrugged. “So? Let’s go home.”

Robert let Aaron lead him out of the now quietening pub, most people heading home after the quiz was over. 

It was stupid.

God, it was so stupid that he was reacting like this. 

He felt stupid.

“Talk to me, Robert.” Aaron pleaded, the two of them standing in their front garden. “We were a good team tonight. Don’t let something ruin that, whatever it is, it doesn’t matter.”

“But it does.” Robert ran a frustrated hand over his face. “Charity made a joke about us not going straight home to celebrate our win, about how we used to be at it like rabbits when we lived at the pub.”

“Robert, it’s no one else's business if you’re not ready to have sex again.”

“But its stupid, it’s so stupid. I’m thirty two fucking years old, and I’m terrified to have sex with my own husband.”

“You’re terrified?”

Robert nodded, his cheeks burning. “I know you said it doesn’t make a difference, but what if you don’t see me the way you used to, when we actually get down to it?”

“I will.” Aaron reassured. “I know I can’t actually prove it to you right here and now, but I will.”

Robert grabbed Aaron’s face in his hands, pressing their lips together in a furious kiss, backing Aaron up against the wall of the Mill. It took him a few minutes to realise that Aaron wasn’t really responding, his hands hanging at his sides. 

“Whats wrong?” Robert hated the desperate edge to his voice.

“I’m not going to let you do this if you’re just trying to prove a point to yourself, Robert.” 

“Can’t I just want you?”

“Two minutes ago you were crying about how you were terrified to have sex again, Robert.”

Robert stepped back, his heart racing. “So I was right.”

“No.” Aaron said firmly. “I’m just worried about where your head is at with this.”

“I don’t _know_ where my head is at with this.” Robert admitted, biting down on his bottom lip. “We should go inside."

Aaron nodded, following Robert into their house. He’d barely gotten the door shut when Robert started talking, hardly able to stop himself now he’d gotten started. 

“I don’t know where my head is at with this, but I know I miss _being_ with you, Aaron.”Robert said. “It’s been months, and I miss being with you. I can’t tell you if I’m going to stop feeling the way I do today, tomorrow - or six months down the line. All I can tell you is that I miss being with you, properly being with you, and I’m not going to know unless we try, am I?”

“I miss being with you, too.” Aaron admitted, rocking on his heels slightly. “Are you sure you’re ready?”

“I’m sure that I love you.” Robert said. “I love you, and I want you.” 

Aaron smiled. “I love you too.” 

Robert closed the space between them, kissing Aaron properly. Aaron kissed back this time, his hands grabbing fistfuls of Robert’s jumper. He could feel it, how badly Aaron wanted him this time, he could feel it in every touch, every gaze of their lips.

“Upstairs.” Aaron breathed, pushing at Robert’s chest. “Upstairs, now.”

Robert nodded, grabbing Aaron’s hand, yanking him toward the stairs. They’d barely gotten to the upstairs hallway before Aaron’s hands were on him again, pulling his shirt out of his trousers, his hands warm against Robert’s stomach.

It was overwhelming.

Robert pulled back, taking a couple of deep breaths.

“You okay?”

Robert nodded. “It’s just a lot.” 

“Always is, with us.” Aaron admitted, brushing a thumb along Robert’s cheekbone. “We can stop, if you’d like.”

“I don’t want to stop.” Robert shook his head, pulling on Aaron’s wrist, tugging him into their bedroom. He yanked Aaron’s jumper over his head, his gaze fixed on Aaron’s chest as the material hit the floor.

He’d always loved Aaron’s body, and it made Robert’s water as he looked at him, really looked at him for first time in months. 

“You’re staring.” Aaron murmured, his fingers rubbing gentle circles on Robert’s hipbones. 

“Admiring.” Robert corrected, pressing soft, opened mouthed kisses along Aaron’s jawline, down his neck, relishing in the way Aaron gripped his waist tighter, his breathing laboured.

He’d missed this.

He’d missed how it felt to take someone else apart like he was doing now, Aaron shaking under his hands.

“I’m supposed to be giving you all the attention.” Aaron blurted, studying Robert’s face carefully.

“What?” Robert couldn’t hide his confusion.

“You think I won’t want you, so I’m going to prove you wrong.” Aaron said, his voice a little more commanding this time. He reached for the hem of Robert’s jumper, tossing it aside. 

Robert couldn’t help but close his eyes as Aaron began to unbutton his shirt, stopping as he reached the last button, his hands flat against Robert’s bare stomach.

“Okay?”

Robert knew Aaron wouldn’t keep going until he replied. “Okay,” he confirmed, still nervous.

Aaron pushed the shirt from Robert’s shoulders, the cold air hitting him instantly. Robert kept his eyes closed as Aaron’s hands explored his chest, remapping all the parts of him that he already knew, the parts that had changed. 

He only opened his eyes when he felt Aaron’s mouth graze the healed skin of the burns on his shoulder. Aaron ignored him completely, mouthing at the scarred and puckered skin, concentration clear on his face. 

Robert’s heart was racing.

“I love you.” Aaron looked up, a hand splayed across the scarred skin of Robert’s chest. “I love you for a million different reasons, Rob.”

“Even though I look different now?”

“These scars are part of you, same way all mine are.” Aaron shrugged. “I love you,” he repeated, pressing his lips to Robert’s softly. 

“Thank you.” Robert managed to say, gripping Aaron’s shoulders tightly. 

Aaron didn’t reply, pushing Robert toward their bed, unbuckling Robert’s belt. 

“The ones on my leg are worse.” Robert said quietly, letting Aaron manoeuvre him back onto their pillows. “I haven’t looked at them since the hospital, not really.”

“We can stop.” Aaron repeated.

“No. I just wanted you to know.” 

Aaron nodded, tugging on Robert’s trousers. Robert ignored the twist in his stomach as he lifted his hips so Aaron could toss his trousers aside, leaving him lying in his boxers. 

They’d taken the bandages off his leg at the last appointment he’d had with their GP, but Robert had been determined not to look at them. He looked now, as Aaron settled himself between Robert’s legs. 

He could see the beginnings of the scars peeking out from underneath the soft material of his boxers, the angry, red scarring a stark reminder of how close he’d come to not having this, not having this life with Aaron.

How close he’d come to dying.

Aaron pulled Robert’s boxers down his legs, and suddenly Robert felt completely overexposed, his breath hitching.

“I want you.” Aaron said, his voice low, and gravelly, the way it always was when they were in bed together. Robert looked at him, recognising the lustful expression on his husbands face.

Aaron wasn’t lying.

Robert looked down, looking at the scars on his thigh properly for the first time. They were bad, covering most of the skin down the side of his left thigh, the burns nearly stretching as far as the V of his hipbones. 

They were still angry, and red, but they didn’t have the same blackened colour, or shine as they had at the hospital. 

Robert watched as Aaron pressed his lips to the burned, scarred skin of his thigh, the sensation strange. The fire had burned through so much of his skin, there’d been nerve damage, so he didn’t feel the heat behind Aaron’s kisses, didn’t feel the usual jolt of sensation he always did when Aaron was touching him.

He just felt the pins and needles he’d started to feel in his leg a few days previously, the hopeful return of sensation to the damaged nerves. 

“Thats not going to do much for me, right now.” Robert tried to joke.

“I know. I just wanted you to know that they don’t make me see you any different to how I’ve always done.” Aaron crawled up Robert’s body, bracketing his head in with his arms. “How I’ll always see you.”

“Even when I’m old and fat?”

“Even when you’re old and fat.” Aaron confirmed, brushing their noses together before he kissed Robert again, long and slow. “You’ll still be _my_ Robert, even when you're old.”

Robert looked at Aaron in complete wonder. He’d never understand what he done in his life to deserve someone like Aaron Dingle, but he was so endlessly, utterly grateful for the man that was looking at him as though he’d hung the moon and stars themselves. 

“I love you.” Robert blurted. “I love you so much, Aaron."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“I talked to Aaron, about what I said the other week.” Robert admitted. “Properly talked about it, I mean.”

“And?”

“He was brilliant, as usual. You know, I don’t deserve him.Not after everything I did to him, the way I treated him before we got married.” Robert was frustrated with himself. “I don’t deserve him,” he repeated.

“I’m sure Aaron would disagree.”

“Of course he would, he bloody married me.” Robert sighed. “I’m not a good person, you know.”

“What makes you say that?”

“I’m just _not_. I’ve always been a shitty person,” Robert shrugged. “I had an affair with my brother’s wife.”

He looked at Mark, trying to gauge his therapists reaction. “I’ve clearly got a predisposition for affairs, haven’t I? I’ve always just taken exactly what I want from people, consequences be damned.”

“Why do you think you do that?”

“I don’t know. Aren’t you supposed to tell me why I do the things I do?” Robert asked. “I pour my heart out, you diagnose me with all the mental illnesses I’ve been ignoring for years.”

“You haven’t done a lot of pouring your heart out today though, have you?” Mark retorted.

Robert slumped in his chair. “How am I supposed to explain how I feel to you if it doesn’t even make sense in my own head?” 

“Maybe it will make sense if you say it out loud.”

Robert snorted. “I doubt it. I think maybe I’ll just always be a disappointment, you know? I was a disappointment to my dad my whole life.”

“You don’t talk about your dad much.”

Robert knew he’d been avoiding the topic of his father for weeks now. “Jack Sugden,” he began, thinking about the man his father had been. “He was a real Yorkshire man, you know? Lived and breathed the farm, and his family.”

“You didn’t get on?”

“Not most of the time, no.” Robert said. “I wanted more for myself than the farm. I used to want to be a computer programmer, actually. I had these big dreams of going off to university, and dad wasn’t too impressed by it. He couldn’t understand why I didn’t just want to take over the farm, raise my own family there.”

He swallowed thickly. “The farm was more Andy’s area. Andy, he’s my adoptive brother - dad always loved him the best.”

“Because of the farm?”

“Because Andy was always a better person. He married Katie, set about being Jack Sugden 2.0, and I was always the family disappointment.” Robert wasn’t sure how to say the next part. “There was an accident, when I was nineteen. I got Andy out of the car, but our neighbour, Max, he died. Dad blamed me for it, and he sent me away.”

Wiping roughly at his eyes, Robert tried to swallow his tears. “He called me a lunatic, my dad. Told me to get in my car and drive away, and don’t come back.”

“That must have been hard to hear.”

“Hard? My own dad didn’t want me around anymore, it was a lot more than hard to hear.” Robert couldn’t stop his tears now. “All the blame was put on me, as usual. Andy wasn’t innocent in all this, you know - I was trying to leave Emmerdale anyway, and he wouldn’t let me go with Max.”

“Did you ever get a chance to speak to your dad about what happened?”

“No.” Robert choked out a sob. “He died, when I was twenty-three. I never got to talk to him about it, never got to ask him _why_ he couldn’t love me enough, love me the way he loved Andy, and now I’ll never have the chance.”

“Robert -“

“He was my dad.” Robert couldn’t stop himself from interrupting. “Whatever problems we had, whatever went on with us, he was my dad, and I _loved_ him.” 

Robert couldn’t stop his tears now they’d started, the room around him blurring as he tried to speak about his father, trying to put into words every single complicated feeling he had about the man.

He wasn’t sure so he would ever have the right words to explain how he felt about his father. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Robert went to visit the grave, after his therapy session. For some reason, it just sort of felt like the right thing to do. Mark had let him cry for a bit, before suggesting that they move on and talk about something else for a while.

Talking about Sarah had gotten easier, over the last few weeks of therapy. It was as though the fire had given him what he needed to talk about his mum, properly talk about her.

Jack was a different story.

Jack was always going to be a different story. 

He didn’t exactly know if he’d ever be able to find the words to talk about his father. Complicated wasn’t a strong enough word for what their relationship had become over the years. 

“Aaron said I’d find you here,” Victoria said, her voice soft, and caring. She sat down next to Robert on the damp grass, offering him a kind smile. “He said you’d talked about dad, today.”

Robert nodded. “Yeah.”

“I know I don’t understand, what it was like for you with dad.” Victoria said. “But if you want to talk about it, I’m here. I know it’s tough for you, so it’s okay if you don’t want to.”

“I don’t know if I’m ever going to want to talk about him.” Robert admitted. “Sometimes I think it’d be better if I just moved on, you know? If I just left the past where it is, and moved on.”

“But?” Victoria nudged.

“He’ll always be my dad.” Robert sighed. “I can’t ever change that.”

Victoria nodded. “I know he wasn’t perfect.”

“Who is?” 

“That, Robert Sugden, is a very good point.” Victoria beamed. “Therapy suits you, know you.”

Robert raised an eyebrow. “You what?”

“I don’t know what it is, but you seem happier lately. Like you’ve not got the weight of the world on your shoulders anymore, it’s good to see.” Victoria nestled her head on his shoulder, her gaze on the gravestone in front of them.

“I feel better.” Robert said quietly. “I’m not okay, not just yet. I’ve got PTSD, and it’s not like thats just going to go away because I will it to. But I feel better than I’ve felt in a really long time.”

“I’m proud of you, you know.” Victoria said after a moment’s silence. “It’s not easy, to accept that you need help.”

“It wasn’t.” Robert confirmed. “But I think it’s going to be worth it, you know?”

“Nothing worth doing is ever easy.” Victoria quipped. “Come on, your lazy git of a husband invited himself over for tea when he heard I was cooking my world famous lasagne.”

“He’ll do anything for a bit of cheesy pasta.” Robert rolled his eyes, getting to his feet, helping Victoria up. 

“It’ll be nice, to spend some time together.” Victoria linked their arms together as they started to leave the graveyard. “A proper family get together, the four of us.” 

Robert smiled. “Sounds good, Vic.”

He wasn’t okay. Really, he wasn’t.

But he would be, and for the first time since the fire, Robert really believed that.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i've always found robert's relationship with jack impossible to write about, but a fic about robert's mental health without mentioning jack wouldn't have made much sense. i hope that this chapter started to address robert's issues with his dad, but that really is a fic in itself!
> 
> thanks for the support on the previous chapter. it was my favourite of the whole story to write, so i'm glad you enjoyed it.


	8. viii. home

“I think we should go on that holiday.” Robert commented, glancing over at Aaron. Summer had started to rear it’s head, bright sunshine streaming through a crack in their curtains.

“Hm?” Aaron was half asleep, his face burrowed into the crook of Robert’s neck.

“Greece. We should book that holiday to Greece.” Robert explained, his hand stilling in Aaron’s hair. “After everything that’s happened, I think some time away could be good for us.”

“I’m never going to say no to a holiday.” 

“Plus, if we’re going to go, we should go before I get the skin graft done.” Robert said. “I’ve got to be careful, with the sun and all that when I get it done.”

“When’s that booked in for?” Aaron asked, still not moving from his position half on top of Robert. He’d gotten more cuddly, in the years they’d been married, happy to be unashamedly soft with Robert.

“Mid-July, I can’t remember exactly. I found a deal for five days in Crete in two weeks time.”

“You’re eager.”

“I just want to spend some time with you.” Robert admitted. “I know I’ve been the one putting our relationship on the back burner, after everything that happened with the fire. I want to make it up to you.”

“You don’t need to make anything up to me, Robert. You getting better was more important than a holiday.” Aaron said, shifting so he could look at Robert properly, his chin digging into Robert’s collarbone.

“I am getting better, you know.” Robert said, his voice low. “I’m not completely better, but I’m getting there.”

“I know.” Aaron nodded. “You seem better, these days.”

There was a few moments of silence.

“Five days in Crete then?”

Robert nodded. “It’s a nice hotel, near the beach. I know it’s not two weeks in a private villa, but it’d be a nice break for us.”  


“Sounds great.” Aaron nodded. “Liv’ll be in such a mood with us, going on holidays without her again.”

“In our defence, the last holiday abroad we actually went on alone was our honeymoon.” Robert pointed out. “She got to go skiing at Christmas with school anyway!”

“I can’t believe you’re still jealous about that.”

“I’m not jealous, I just think a skiing holiday would have been cool.”

“January is our busiest time at work, you know that as well as I do.” Aaron planted a kiss on Robert’s lips, moving to get up. “Book it, today. I’ll sort time off with Adam when I get to work.”

Robert nodded. “I won’t be in until lunchtime, I’ve got counselling.”

“Bring lunch with you when you come back, eh?” Aaron said, pulling on his work trousers. “We can have a look at what we can do in Crete.”

“There’s a pink beach.”

“Bit gay, that.” Aaron teased, kissing Robert again. Robert melted into the embrace, still getting used to how physical their relationship had become again. “Love you.”  


“I love you too.” Robert replied. “You want me to see Liv off?”

Aaron shook his head. “I heard her up and about already, just need to get her out the door.”

Robert nodded, and watched as his husband left their room, yelling at Liv to hurry up, or she’d miss the bus. He let himself have another few minutes in bed, enjoying the warmth that Aaron’s body left behind, before he forced himself up, padding toward the bathroom.

He’d used to main bathroom a lot, recently, not wanting to face up to the memories of the breakdown he’d had. Aaron had gotten the shower door fixed, and it looked as though nothing had ever really happened, but Robert knew better.

The mostly faded scars on his forearms made sure he knew better. 

Stripping off his pyjamas, Robert switched the shower on, taking a second to look in the mirror as he waited for the water to heat up. He’d been forcing himself to look at the scars and burns on the left side of his body a lot more lately, trying to come to terms with the differences in his body.

There was nothing more they could do for his shoulder. Robert was religious about using the oil the nurse had recommended to him, claiming it would help with scarring - he couldn’t see much of a difference, really, but the skin was definitely less angry, less red.

He’d be going in for a skin graft on his leg in a matter of weeks, and it would make a difference to the scarring across his thigh.

Robert didn’t like the scars, but he was getting used to them.

They weren’t affecting them the way they had done up until a few weeks previously, and that was progress.

Robert was starting to understand the whole concept of inches, not miles, much better these days. He still needed to take the sleeping pills he’d been prescribed sometimes, he still woke up in the middle of the night with his chest heaving because of a nightmare, but he didn’t shy away from the lasting marks of the fire anymore, and that was enough for now.

Having PTSD was strange. Robert was aware he had a mental illness, but he did forget about it sometimes, and often it would be something completely mundane that would remind him, send a tremor down his spine.

Like the previous night - they’d been watching some crappy action film, the three of them, and Robert had panicked when a car had exploded into a fireball on screen. Liv had jumped to switch channels, turning on BBC News, and Aaron had coached him through the panic with a well practised ease.

They knew how to get through it, these days. 

Liv had turned on Lord of the Rings, and she’d willingly made him a cup of tea, and Robert had felt a sense of normality return for a few blissful hours. Of course, that night he’d needed the sleeping pills before he’d even gotten into bed, but the panic hadn’t consumed him completely.

Not this time.

Stepping under the warm spray of their shower, Robert reached out for a bottle of shampoo, the familiar scent of the one Aaron preferred filling his nostrils as he massaged it into his hair. 

It was funny, how simple things like Aaron’s shampoo eased the nerves in his stomach, made him feel more at ease with the world. Robert had learned to recognise the days he’d be more jittery than usual, and he had his coping mechanisms.

Inches, not miles.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Robert pulled into his old parking space behind the Woolpack, feeling more on edge than usual after his session with Mark. They’d spoken about his father again, Mark determined to get to the bottom of how Robert felt about his father.

It was hard.

It was really bloody hard.

Switching off the ignition, Robert headed in through the backdoor of the pub, taking the most direct route to the kitchen. He’d texted Victoria and asked if she’d be willing to make up some lunch for him and Aaron, and she’d agreed - as long as he took some up for Adam, too.

They were a funny little family at times, the four of them, but Robert wouldn’t change it for the world.

“How was counselling?” Victoria greeted brightly, smacking a lipstick stained kiss to his cheek.

“Tough.” Robert admitted, leaning against the counter. “I talked about dad, again.”

“Oh yeah?” Victoria paused in her chopping, her full attention on Robert.

“I think it’s just going to be something I need to find a way to let go of.” Robert admitted, giving Victoria’s shoulder a squeeze. “Anyway, how are you?”

“Run off my feet, as per.” Victoria grumbled, her attention on the oven again. “Marlon’s had to take April to the doctor, bless her, so I’m on my own for the lunch shift. I’ve made you all lasagne, hope thats alright.”

“Vic, I think you could feed both our husbands dirt and they wouldn’t notice.”

Victoria laughed, placing neatly portioned lasagne into lunch-boxes. “What did we marry, eh?” she joked, passing Robert the food. “Fix Chas up, will you? I’ve got about a hundred toasted sandwiches to make.”

Robert pressed a kiss to her forehead, grateful. “See you later, Vic.”

He headed into the pub through the back entrance, a funny flutter in his stomach. He’d walked through that door so many times when he lived in the Woolpack, but it held a different meaning, these days.

Robert had walked through that door hand in hand with Aaron, on their wedding day. 

God, what a perfect day that had been.

“Vic said to fix you up for three dinners, Chas.” Robert said, setting the food down on the bar, rooting for his wallet. 

“Thirty-five pounds please, Robert.” Chas calculated. “How are you holding up?”

“I’m good.” Robert passed her a fifty pound note. “Not addicted to sleeping pills yet, which is always a bonus.”

Chas laughed, handing Robert his change. “Aaron said yous two are thinking of going on holiday.”

Robert nodded. “I think the break would do us good. Did he ask you about minding Liv for a couple of days?”

“It’s no problem.” Chas said, taking a sip of her glass of water. “It’d be nice to have the company. I’m still not used to you to living at Mill, sometimes.”

When Aaron had been sent down, Robert and Chas had become so much closer. Robert think he’d won her over the day he’d roped her in to help plan a surprise wedding for her son, but having to be without Aaron solidified their relationship.

He did love Chas, however much he might joke about her being a nosey mother-in-law. 

“Liv misses ya.” Robert confirmed. “I better run these up to the scrapyard before they go cold,” he gestured toward the food, heading for the door. 

He passed Paddy, the other man greeting him with a slight nod of his head.

Surprisingly, that was progress.

Robert had talked about his pseudo father-in-law at therapy, a week or so previous. He’d explained to Mark that while Paddy did have every reason to hate him, it was tough on Aaron, it was tough on _Robert_ sometimes.

Mark had simply advised he not let it get to him.

Easier said than done, really.

Robert slid behind the wheel of his car again, making the short journey to the scrapyard. Aaron and Adam were sitting on the steps outside the portacabin, enjoying the early afternoon sun.

It was funny, the scrapyard had started out as a way of meeting Aaron behind his wife’s back, and it had become so much more over the years. His workplace, a workplace he got to share with his husband, a part of his life he’d never give up, despite Nicola’s sarky comments, and Jimmy’s endless gastro orchestra.

He wouldn’t change much about his life, these days.

“I come bearing lasagne,” Robert called, getting out of the car. Adam was on his feet instantly, a delighted grin on his face.

“Mate! You’re not so bad, you know that? I’m starving.” Adam grabbed one of the lunch boxes from Robert, heading in to grab a fork from the little kitchenette they had set up in the cabin.

“Hiya.” Aaron greeted him with a kiss. “How was counselling?”

“Not great,” Robert admitted. “Talked about dad, again.”

Aaron simply kissed him again. “I’m here.”

“I know.” Robert smiled softly. “Enough of that, though. We’ve got a holiday to plan, Dingle.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“I’m going on holiday with Aaron, next week.” Robert offered.

“That’s good.” Mark nodded. “You looking forward to some time off?”

“Yeah.”

“It sounds like theres a but in there?”

“There is.” Robert admitted. “I guess I’m worried that something’ll set off my PTSD, while we’re away. I know how to cope with it and all that, but I don’t like the idea of our holiday being tainted by my head being mashed.”

“You can’t control your PTSD, Robert. All you can do is cope with it.” Mark said. “And you said it yourself, you can cope with it. That’s what counts, when it comes down to it.”

“Do you ever get tired of being so endlessly positive?” Robert inquired.

“No, it’s why I became a therapist.” Mark grinned. “How are you sleeping?”

“Better, actually. I only used the sleeping pills once this week, I had a nightmare about the fire again.”

“Tell me about it.”

“It wasn’t as bad as they were at the start.” Robert said. “I was stuck, in the B&B, but I didn’t see my mum, or anything like I used to. I was just stuck in a burning building, and then I woke up.”

“Would you say they’re less intense than they used to be?”

“Definitely.” Robert nodded. “I feel like the nightmares used to take me days to get over, you know? They’d be playing on my mind for days after they happened, but I got up this morning, and I felt okay.”

Mark smiled. “Good. How are you feeling about going on holiday? You mentioned who you still weren’t quite used to the scars from the fire.”

“Honestly?” Robert looked at his therapist. “I was so excited to book the holiday, I forgot.”

He had.

He’d forgotten that he’d be swimming, and wearing shorts and t-shirts while they were in Greece. He’d just been so excited to book a holiday, and have five blissful, uninterrupted days with Aaron.

Robert couldn’t hide the smile on his face. “That felt like a mile,” he commented.

“Good. After everything you’ve gone through these past few weeks, talking about your dad, I think you deserved a mile instead of an inch.”

Maybe he did.

Maybe Robert did deserve for things to start looking up for him.

Maybe he’d turned his last corner, when it came to his PTSD.

Maybe this was the start of a million good days to come.

Maybe he was finally _free_.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Robert couldn’t help but wrap his arms tightly around Aaron’s waist when he got home, his husband cooking dinner. He buried his face in Aaron’s neck, pressing his lips to his warm skin. 

“Bad day at counselling?” Aaron inquired, twisting so he could look at Robert properly, the concern unmistakeable on his face.

“No,” Robert shook his head. “It was a good day, actually.”

Aaron smiled. “Tell me about it.”

Robert returned the smile, resting his chin on Aaron’s shoulder as his husband continued to cook, chatting to him about how his session with Mark had gone. 

After everything that had happened over the past few months, after everything he’d gone through, with the fire, his PTSD, everything that had come along with his breakdown, Robert was glad that him and Aaron was the one thing that hadn’t changed.

Being with Aaron still felt like coming home, and for the first time in a really long time, Robert was glad to be home, he wasn’t afraid of being in Emmerdale anymore.

_ He wasn’t afraid.  _

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**fin**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and that's that! i could write this fic forever, but i wanted to end it on a happy, hopeful note. mental health is absolutely a constant journey, but i hope that this snippet of what it was like for robert to deal with his mental health was a satisfying one.
> 
> thank you for all the support on this fic - writing is keeping me sane in between all my stressful uni stuff, so it means a lot.


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